Written by mozzarella mcchicken
Where there is no jealousy, there is no love.
*
Today, it was... a few degrees below zero. The number I'd glanced at in my sleep as soon as I opened my eyes was a blur. Anyway, the number wasn't important. What was certain was that today was extremely cold.
Thanks to that, my hands were frozen, even though I'd kept them in my pockets the whole time, so I fumbled a few times on the door lock. The weight of the plastic grocery bag on my wrist was bothering me, but what was even more bothersome was the situation that would unfold next. I could already picture my roommate inside, glaring at the front door with a sensitive gaze. What can I do, in this cold weather? But I remembered that guy who never got the password wrong, and even the rhythm of pressing the button was the same every time, and I swallowed a grumble as I barely managed to unlock it.
The lock, which had been turned with a mechanical sound, flashed. I slowly opened the door and stepped into the familiar entrance. Jeong Tae-ho, who had been peeking out of the bathroom door, probably brushing his teeth, hid himself again as soon as our eyes met. "He's not even going to say hello anymore," I thought. My anger surged, but I suppressed it. After placing the groceries on the sink, I nervously opened the plastic bag. One of the tangerines inside fell to the floor and rolled around.
I used my quick reflexes to grab the tangerine. But, annoyingly, it slipped out of the owner's grasp and rolled all the way to the bathroom door. More precisely, beyond the black lines drawn with a chalkboard marker on the floor of the small two-room apartment...
Jeong Tae-ho, who was coming out after brushing his teeth, stopped in front of it. Jeong Tae-ho, who had been looking down blankly, bent down and picked up a ripe orange tangerine. For a moment, he almost swore, “That idiot?” but narrowly avoided it.
"I'll make sure you eat well."
"ㆍㆍㆍThat fell on the floor?"
Instead of answering, Jeong Tae-ho tilted his head. He meant that he had crossed the line, and now the tangerines were his. Seeing Jeong Tae-ho's back as he turned and walked back into the room made me furious, but I kept my mouth shut, refusing to raise my voice.
And then, leaving the unorganized plastic bag behind, he went into the room and slammed the door shut. I thought he would come after me and get angry, but there was no sign of anything outside the door.
I threw off my coat and collapsed on the bed. It hadn't even been a week since this childish fight started. We weren't on good terms to begin with, and Jeong Tae-ho was a stickler for housework, so he was already a nag, but the trigger for this fight was far more trivial. It was embarrassing to even call it a reason to fight in the first place. . . . Yes. I admit it. Strictly speaking, it was all my fault. It was my fault, but...
*
The argument started with a gift that Jeong Tae-ho received from a junior in the same class.
Perhaps it was his good looks, but he'd always brought me a bunch of selfish gifts. But today, for some reason, the large teddy bear and bouquet of flowers occupying the shoe rack seemed unsightly. Furthermore, the sight of the heart-shaped letter and homemade cake sitting proudly on the table made me feel uncontrollable. That's why I suddenly raised my voice at Jeong Tae-ho, who was coming out of the shower.
Even Jeong Tae-ho must have been deeply embarrassed. He'd never spoken out about such matters before, but he'd suddenly become angry. If you're going to put something like this in a public space, shouldn't you at least get permission beforehand? Or at least put it somewhere out of sight. I was spewing out words I didn't mean, and I swallowed a few words before they finally spilled out.
"If you don't have the confidence to take care of it, then just throw it away."
Jeong Tae-ho seemed to be incensed by the curt muttering. He immediately started talking sharply. The argument went on for a while. The argument over where my space and your space were ended with them drawing a line on the floor with a chalkboard marker.
Within this line is my space, beyond this line is your space.
*
I first met Jeong Tae-ho through a casual introduction. Of course, it wasn't a romantic one, but rather a roommate introduction. After that, we started living together in a two-room apartment, so we didn't see each other much. Jeong Tae-ho probably accepted me as his roommate to save on rent and management fees. It wasn't because I was special to him. So, it wasn't even funny. Even though we were just casual acquaintances, I ended up harboring feelings for Jeong Tae-ho.
From the moment I first realized my feelings for him, I had absolutely no intention of confessing. I knew Jeong Tae-ho would either kick me out or pack his bags and leave. So I planned to keep my feelings a secret for the rest of my life. I didn't want to sever my only connection with him with my own hands.
*
Why on earth did I do that? They say a fight between a married couple is like cutting water with a knife... No, we're not even lovers, and we should be on good terms for the rest of our time together, but we're having such a low-level fight. I sighed softly. Did Jeong Tae-ho get fed up? My mood plummeted, as if I thought he'd open the door at any moment and announce his intention to quit being my roommate.
......What can I do? It's karma.
After a while, I opened the door and stepped into the living room. I stared helplessly at Jeong Tae-ho's tightly shut room before walking back to my room. I felt sick. When I realized that it wasn't Jeong Tae-ho but me who was the cause, I suddenly wanted to see Jeong Tae-ho's face.
ㆍㆍㆍ
Wednesday was a particularly annoying day. Jeong Tae-ho and I both had a first-period lecture that day, so we inevitably had to face each other in the morning, and naturally, a lot of chaos ensued.
"You just came over, right?"
"Oh, it didn't come over!"
Avoiding his sharp gaze, I tried to leave him behind and enter the bathroom. Jeong Tae-ho reached out and grabbed the hem of my clothes.
"Hey! I'm running late..."
"It's mine since it came over. Wasn't that a promise?"
"Huh, a ridiculous laugh erupted. Should I even cut off my slightly overturned right foot?" I grabbed the hand of the guy holding my clothes. Jeong Tae-ho flinched and glared at me.
"You got your hands on it too?"
"You forced yourself to do this..."
"If you're feeling wronged, just pretend it never happened," he added with a smile, then turned to turn away. If I didn't hurry, I'd be truly late. But it was Jeong Tae-ho who grabbed my shoulder as I turned away without hesitation.
"I haven't agreed yet?"
ㆍㆍㆍThis is driving me crazy. It seems I'm not the only one acting childishly.
"Come and talk to me after class."
. . .
When I returned to my studio apartment after my part-time job, there was no one home. Jeong Tae-ho knew he didn't have any plans that day, but I couldn't be sure. I could only assume it was some sudden team project or drinking party. Jeong Tae-ho and I weren't close enough to share even such trivial details.
Even after I showered, returned to my room, and read a few books, Jeong Tae-ho didn't come in. The clock was past eleven and approaching twelve. ㆍㆍI suddenly felt depressed. I buried my face in the pillow and forced my eyes shut.
At first, I thought just being by his side was enough. I like Jeong Tae-ho. I like him, but... I know it's hopeless.
Despite my constant self-soothing, my greed grew. I became jealous. The people surrounding him,
If only I had crossed that line. Could I have been yours? There was no way. The only emotion I created to force myself to cross that line was jealousy.
ㆍㆍㆍ
The silence was shattered by the sound of the door lock. The mechanical sound, always clean and distinct, crackled. The numeric keypad clicked at a slower tempo than usual, and the front door opened. I got out of bed and walked to the front door.
"Have you been drinking?"
The scent of alcohol wafted through the narrow crack in the door. Had he been drinking heavily? I was a little surprised, since he's not usually one to get drunk.
"Kim Hyun-min..."
Jeong Tae-ho, who had been biting his lip, spoke very slowly. Jeong Tae-ho's voice, usually composed, trembled. I took a step away from him. I didn't know how to react in this situation. Should I jokingly retort, "Aren't you crossing the line?" and send him back to his room? But Jeong Tae-ho must not have been waiting for my answer, as he continued speaking hastily.
"Don't go out."
"what?"
His pronunciation slurred slightly. His face hardened. The more he spoke, the more confused my mind became. I couldn't understand why he'd suddenly been drinking, or what on earth he was thinking.
"Cheer up. I was wrong..."
My body, which had been acting as if nothing had happened, began to sway. I instinctively stretched out my arm and caught Jeong Tae-ho, who was falling. To say I was feeling better didn't suit me. It was clearly my fault in the first place. I was the one who started the fight, and I couldn't even decide to apologize. Suddenly, my throat felt prickly. I felt sorry and guilty. And then, useless expectations came flooding in.
ㆍㆍㆍ
I couldn't believe the warmth that covered my knees, so I stared at the pattern on the ceiling for a long time. I slowly got up belatedly, but I didn't have the strength to help him up. ㆍㆍㆍI was cautious.
I ran my hand through Jeong Tae-ho's hair. The living room was quiet, so I could hear his heartbeat very loudly. I couldn't be sure if it was my own.
Why did you drink so much that you got drunk? Why did you tell me not to go out? The questions I wanted to ask Jeong Tae-ho immediately kept coming back to me.
I stared at Jeong Tae-ho's cheeks, flushed red from the alcohol, and slowly closed my eyes. It was okay if I couldn't satisfy my curiosity right away. I decided not to be jealous. Well, Jeong Tae-ho.
Because we'd crossed the line. Anything that invaded our space would be given to the other person. That was the agreement between Jeong Tae-ho and me.