I wanted to give you everything, to give you everything. No matter how much I gave, I felt sorry for not being able to give you more. Seeing you hurt and shedding tears at every word I said, I could only bite my lip. Yet, selfishly, I hated and was angry at the sight of you talking to someone other than me. I hated myself so much for not being able to express myself well, and I tried to push you away, not wanting to see you hurt anymore.
But the day began and ended with Yeoju, and her was also the purpose and reason for my life. So, I spent the night alone, daydreaming, worrying, and reasoning. Even the times of heartache and worry were times spent thinking about her, so they were happy and precious. She was someone I wanted to love even if it meant giving my all, but I was in a love so choked with emotion and heartbreaking that I sometimes thought it would have been better if I hadn't known her from the start.
She was someone I longed to see even when I saw her, but sometimes I felt bad even looking at her. She was so much more than I deserved. By the time I was struggling, saying that I could die without her by my side, she had long since left me. It's hard to say that life is okay now, that life is worth living, because the memories of us and our last goodbye are still too vivid.
It's too late to regret not meeting in the first place, and it's still too early to acknowledge our final farewell.
I've done too many wrongs to blame her, and the void she leaves behind is too big to say she gave me the happiness I deserve. I can't say I'm crying because no tears come out, but my heart aches too much to say I'm not crying. If I say I love you, we've become strangers, worse than friends, and if I say I loved you, I still love you too much.
"Choi Beom-gyu, you idiot..."
Before I left, I should have said goodbye at least. Would things have been better then? Lady, Lady. You probably don't know it, but I love you very much. This time, I'll wait for you, just as you waited for me.
On one of the many rainy summer days, I went to my studio apartment, turned on the air conditioning to cool the damp house, and put my earphones in. A gentle melody flowed out. I once wished we could be together forever, listening to this song. I can't bring back the days we were together, but that time still comes to mind when I hear this song, and it brings tears to my eyes. We weren't always on good terms, but this song brings back memories. Because it was the song that reminded me of you and the love I had for you back then.
Even without you back then, summer will continue to come. In that summer, in all the four seasons, I had unrequited love, but summer is the season that marked our beginning and end. Some people might want to erase the season called summer. But that season inevitably comes. Just like falling in love accidentally in life, like an inevitable fate. All the four seasons, too, will inevitably flow by.
Even though I shed tears thinking of you and missed you so much, I carried you through all the seasons. Before I realized that I loved you, the pain of love is a pain that can never be erased. Just as the seasons change four times a year, our unrequited love also filled up the seasons of that year, and that's why I came to the realization that I would look for you in all the seasons.
In the end, I love you.
Love made me like this. To pour my heart into every season, To eventually become numb and swallow my tears. Like looking at the night sky. If I think about it, I guess I made my love like this. To shed moonlight on all love. The moonlight reflected on the sea, For a moment, it becomes a jewel in the sea.
"I want to forget, but it's not going well. So I'm going to shout it out again."
I hope that the combination of all the words you send me can be words that can organize all the emotions we felt back then: love, sadness, and longing. I don't know what kind of person you were to me, but let's fondly remember our last days. And I hope that the emotion I feel at the end of your letter, filled with words full of your emotions, is the same trembling emotion I felt at the beginning.
I hope the time we spent together wasn't in vain.
I love you, my old love.
Even though it may not be an old love.