If you're going to leave, don't love me at all.
"Huh? Taehyun,!.... "
You were smiling brightly, facing each other with another classmate. At that moment, I felt like an intruder, so embarrassed that I hid behind a pillar in front of the classroom before you could recognize me. You had no idea how miserable I was, now that I could no longer make you smile. Only after watching you disappear into the distance, arm in arm with my classmate, did I slowly slip out from behind the pillar. What on earth am I to you?
'Looking at it like that, don't Kang Tae-hyun and Yeon Hee-jung look good together?'
'Hey, Kang Tae-hyun has a girlfriend.'
'Hey, don't you know that he's acting so blatantly like that? He's a complete idiot.'
What the hell are we, Taehyun?
My eyes ached because there were no more tears to shed. That was all. I tried to ignore the words I could hear and walked in the opposite direction from where you had headed. I walked alone along the path we had walked together. I rode the bus alone, sat in the library alone doing homework, and returned home alone. And I realized once again that you were there in all those moments. You were there to save my seat on the bus, you were there to play next to me in the library, and on the way home, you were there, unable to let go of my hand, saying it was a shame to let you go. In the end, right in front of my house, I burst into tears I hadn't even realized I had left.
"Ah...ahh...huh...uhh..."
I still couldn't even take out all the little moments you gave me because they were so precious, and I couldn't even touch them because they were so precious, so I just kept them. If I had known it would turn out like this, I would have just taken them all out and shown them to you. If I had, would you have loved me more? Wouldn't it have ended so absurdly? My heart hurts so much that I can't breathe.
I cried for a long time, clinging to your illusion, as if I had thought that there were no more tears to shed. Do I really have to let you go? Do I really have to let you go? Unbearable thoughts raced through my head. I really didn't have the confidence to be left in a world without you, not even for a single moment. Really, I have no confidence.
*
*
*
It had been two weeks. Two weeks after that day, I finally managed to arrange a date with you and met you at our favorite café. But we were both quiet, as if we were disconnected from the café's hustle and bustle. I felt resentful that you never took your eyes off your phone. I was resentful and hurt. I had so much to say to you, but did you have nothing left to share with me? It was just a sense of duty... No, that's not right.
"I...Taehyun,"
"I'm done drinking. I have an appointment, so I'll go first."
Ding-!!
" ...Yeah. Have a nice trip, Taehyun."
Before I could say anything, you left. My coffee hadn't even been touched, and I hadn't even said anything to you, hadn't even said goodbye. What was so urgent? You carefully grabbed the now-cold mug and waved a meaningless goodbye into the air. The face you'd looked at me from your phone, the moment it'd been so long, made my nose tingle. If I'd known this would happen, I would've kept it a little longer.
I forced myself to finish my mug before I got up. Or maybe I'd been harboring the vain hope that you might return. I had no idea when it had gotten this way. What had I done wrong? Was I acting too childish? Was I being too childish and that was why I was annoying? A thousand thoughts filled my head, then vanished, and I finally reached the same conclusion: I should give more for you, and it'll be okay.
At first, the alcohol was so bitter I couldn't even handle it, but thanks to you, it was only a moment. I found a spot and kept drinking, but my mind became clearer and clearer, despite the amount I drank. I laughed because I found this foolish situation—I was the only one excited, I was the only one hopeful, and I was the only one feeling down.
Huh? Taehyun?
I thought I was seeing things wrong. I finally thought I was drunk and seeing hallucinations, but only then, seeing your face smiling softly, did I truly wake up from my dream. I held back my heart from racing with anticipation at the fact that you were truly there, and I quickly approached you. Was it really, really you had returned? I was so lost in my self-created joy that I didn't notice you were holding an umbrella or that it was raining. And when I stood before you,
"Taehyun!,....ah."
"Baek Yeo-ju? Did you follow me?"
"No, I just happened to see it. I was eating nearby."
"But the promise...was it a promise you made with Heejung?"
"Oh, if you saw it, just leave. It's a nuisance."
Only then did I notice Yeonhee Jeong standing beside you. The sight of them lovingly linking arms completely shattered the rest of my world, and your words, calling me a nuisance and an intruder, trampled the last of my pride. No more words could come out, stuck in my throat. For fear that saying more would lead to a breakup, I couldn't easily speak.
"Just do it a little less, you always do this so I sound like a bad person."
As I stood there, caught in the pouring rain without being able to do anything, you nervously brushed your hair back from your bag and roughly squeezed a folding umbrella into my wet hand. The dark blue umbrella, which resembled you, was miserably getting wet in my hand. You were always like this. You left something in my hand so that I couldn't hate you to my heart's content. You don't know how that 'one thing' ruins my countless days. Or are you doing this because you want to see how much I hurt while holding onto this one umbrella?
"...I'm sorry, Taehyun. I'll go first."
The umbrella was still in my hand. You tilted it, worried Yeonhui-jeong might get wet, oblivious to me, still soaking wet. The umbrella that had once tilted for me, your shoulders that had once gotten wet for me, turned to face someone else. A heart I hadn't even realized was still there, torn apart by the pain, I turned and fled. I still couldn't let go of the umbrella you gave me. Why are you so cruel to me?