You shouldn't do that.
"I don't like him. Park Jimin."
"What are you talking about? If you're not going to eat the rice cake, then shut up. You spicy bastard."
I'm in a bad mood. I was already in a bad mood after hearing some unpleasant things at home, but hearing them behind me makes me even more angry. Just hearing the kids laughing makes me irritated. Normally, I wouldn't have felt this way. I would have just let it go. But...
"I'm not dating Jimin, right?"
I'm in a bad mood because I heard about that guy this morning. To be honest, I'm not that close with Park Jimin. I'm only close with Min Yoon-ah, and I've never even spoken to him. Even if I were, it's probably because my teacher asked me to.
I definitely used to hang out with Min Yoon-ah, but ever since that kid and Yoon-ah became partners, it's been like this. It's like she'd sneakily stop hanging out with me. She'd always go out to eat with me. She'd always walk to and from school with me. Even though we played together, it felt like there was some kind of invisible wall between the three of us.
I tried to sneak a hint, but Min Yoon-ah, known for her sly eyes, didn't notice. Instead, she even slapped me and told me to get closer to Park Jimin. Everything about Min Yoon-ah seemed to be geared towards Park Jimin.
"Jimin. Do you want to go eat some rice cakes with me?"
"okay."
When class time came, I tried to sleep. But then, they were blatantly doing that behind my back. Every word they were saying was piercing into my ears. I wanted to jump up and leave the classroom, but I held back and went back to sleep.
"Hello. Kim Taehyung."
I skipped school and was wandering the streets with nowhere to go. Then, guess what? I ran into Park Jimin. Oh dear. I really didn't want to see him on a day like today.
Besides, the atmosphere was different. I'd always thought he'd be a bright kid, but he seemed calm now. But whatever it was, I just didn't like him. I tried to ignore him and move on.
"Do you want to go eat tteokbokki together?"
I tried to refuse. But perhaps because I hadn't eaten lunch, my stomach started growling. I had no choice but to follow Park Jimin.
We were enjoying a delicious meal together. We ate for a few minutes without saying a word. Suddenly, my phone rang, and I checked the caller ID and hung up. It rang twice, three times, ten times. I turned my phone off.
"Who are you that isn't answering your phone?"
"You don't need to know."
"Still. Let's hear it."
Park Jimin, who had been puzzled, opened his mouth. When I gave a short answer, Park Jimin kept dragging out the words. Because of his persistence, I finally answered. After all, it's Park Jimin. He should at least say something.
"Mom. He's probably acting like that because he didn't go to school."
"Then why don't you just accept it and say that you're hanging out with your friends? That you don't want to study?"
"It's not studying. It's piano."
"I don't want to play the piano. I've hated it since I was little."
"Then, say you don't want to do it."
“I’ve been doing this every single day since I was 8 years old?”
"Then shouldn't you have said it? You probably didn't want to continue."
Why has he been saying this all along? I didn't want to start a conversation. But I keep finding myself talking. I've always felt this way, but Park Jimin has this thing about him that makes people talk so fluently. I think I'm also captivated by that something.
"Anyway, what you do is your decision. I don't think it's necessary to get in trouble for that."
"You, why have you been helping me since earlier?"
"I'll tell you about that later. For now, just go home. If you get scolded for something like that, call me. You can sleep at my house instead of at home."
While I was mumbling, Park Jimin sent me back home, and I had no choice but to go home.
"sorry."
"Kim Taehyung, how could you do this? You promised me that you would do well in school."
"What on earth did this mother do wrong to become so twisted? It wasn't like this. She was always doing well."
On the way home, a feeling of unease washed over me. As expected, I'd missed school. As soon as I entered the house, my mother slapped me. One side of my cheek burned. I couldn't raise my head. I didn't even have the courage to look her in the eye.
He was definitely a kind person. He always greeted me with a warm smile and voice. Even when our family was struggling, he made sure I lived comfortably. He was the one who was getting hit. He always tried to hide his bruises with long sleeves and pants.
But now, he no longer spoke to me in that tone. His voice was always sharp, and the warm hands that once embraced me no longer reached me except in this way.
"Do you still hate your mom? Are you upset because your mom remarried?"
"Then you have to tell me. Mom...!"
"I told you not to bring that up. I'm not saying that Mom is a pervert."
"Then why is that? You hate the piano? Then let's find another talent. Mom will help you."
Piano. Studying. Remarriage. I didn't hate any of it. In fact, I liked it. Mom said he was paying the price for his sins. She said we'd be living together now. I was happy then, too. Even though we'd be labeled a single-parent family, Mom looked happy. She had the brightest smile on her face. I smiled along with her.
When we got used to living together, we met a friend.Min Yoon-ah.She was always a bright friend. Her smile was just like my mother's, and that was the only reason. We always hung out together. I think she liked seeing me hanging out with my friends. She hated seeing my mother sad. That's why we hung out together. Because it made her happy.
One day, I was playing with Yuna. Mom approached me with a joyful expression, suggesting we talk for a moment. We returned home and talked for a while. The conclusion was simple: I had a father. Mom had found someone she liked.
The next day, I went to meet the man who would become my father. I set off in a flashy car, my heart pounding. What kind of man would he be? If my mother was so happy, he must be a kind and gentle man, right?
After getting out of the car, my father's appearance was completely different. He looked down at me with a blank expression. Perhaps it was because he was so tall, or perhaps it was because I saw my mother walking away with a big smile at him. I felt a sense of disconnect.
I watched the two of them chatting amicably. In fact, Mom was chattering, and Dad was just chiming in with a word or two. But Mom smiled, saying she even appreciated that. Watching the two of them walk ahead, a thought suddenly occurred to me. Am I going to be left out of this family?
"It's not even studying? Then what is it? Why aren't you telling me? You need to tell me so I can understand."
"No way. It's not because of your father, is it?"
"Serma is killing people. That's right. It's because of my father."
"I never acknowledged my father as family. Neither did my brother."
"How could you insult your father like that? Your brother transferred you to the school you attend for your sake."
"Your father gave you everything you wanted. Are you saying this because you want to go back to your old life?"
For a moment, I felt a pang of emotion. It was a feeling I hated, a feeling I hated back then, when we lived together. A time when we laughed over trivial things. A time when I didn't have to worry about my father.
I raised my head. Mom looked at me with bloodshot eyes, as if resenting me. I wanted to run to her right now and hug her. I was still the same child I was back then.
"What's wrong with my old life? I like it back then, so what could be wrong with it?"
"You really...!"
"Rather, I should be the one who's disappointed. When did I ever make you study 16 hours a day just to take over the business?"
"You suddenly told me I needed to develop a hobby and made me play the piano for 7 hours a day. Is that a good thing?"
"Because you like it...!"
"I never said I liked the piano. I just wanted to try it."
"Does Mom know how it felt to play the piano, even though I didn't want to, until my hands wouldn't move?"
"But you know what Mom and Dad did? During the five hours I was suffering, they went on dates every day. I didn't even look."
"But did Mom and Dad ever ask me if I was okay?"
"A child this young. Do you think her face would be okay after doing something she didn't like for five hours a day?"
"But Mom and Dad didn't say a word. Do you know what that means?"
"My mom and dad didn't even care about me. They were so caught up in their own sweet romance that I didn't even have time to look at them."
"No. We took care of you back then. We took you to the amusement park and Lotte Tower because you wanted to go there."
"Those were the places my mom wanted to go. And usually parents don't brag about things like that and take care of them."
"Because I think it's natural to play with children."
I was overcome with emotion. I felt like I was on the verge of tears. I thought I'd feel better if I could just pour out all the words I'd never been able to say. It wasn't like that at all. In fact, it was the opposite. Seeing my mother's hurt face after hearing my words, I felt regret.
Tears welled up in my eyes. I left the house, leaving my mother in shock, feeling like I was about to show her a side of myself I never wanted to show her. I never wanted to go back.
"Looking at your expression, I guess my prediction was right."
I left the house and walked for another long time. My feet automatically headed toward the snack bar I'd been to with Park Jimin, and there he was. With the same expression, the same tone of voice. With that infinitely kind and considerate demeanor. A different attitude from my mother.
"Hey. Are you crying?"
"Park Jimin, what do I do now?"
My eyes met with Park Jimin's. Then, all the emotions I'd been holding back burst out. Park Jimin was momentarily flustered, but then he hugged me. He didn't say a word. He simply patted me in silence.
I wanted to be held. I wanted to feel human warmth. I was still a child, yet society always harshly whipped me, telling me I was grown, telling me crying was something children did. I just wanted to cry freely.
I'd forgotten what human warmth felt like. I just stood there, alone. Lonely, precariously. And yet, the warmth I longed for most, I was receiving from the child I hated most. Tears welled up in my eyes once again. That day, I cried for a long time, held in Park Jimin's arms.
"If you're having a hard time, come to me and tell me. I'll listen to everything."
"Hey Park Jimin. Let's go eat some rice cakes later."
"You can't eat spicy food. You spicy person."
"Oh, it's not that I can't eat it, it's that I don't want to eat it."
"What? You guys became close?"
"Well. I somehow became close with Park Jimin."
If only we hadn't become so close back then.
Was I suffering like this?