In a four-corner room, where no light was illuminated except for the moonlight that reflects from his window, Ken laid alone on his hospital bed.
He didn't move a bit. His brain told him not to.
Maybe because he's tired?
Too bad he doesn't know why he's tired.
It's kinda funny though, he didn't bother moving all day on his bed but he's tired?
Just thinking why he's tired makes it more exhausting.
Ken then lifted his arms, moving it near his window on his right where the moon shines to check a few amounts of scars on his wrist.
Some were new, some were old.
He didn't know why he scars himself. Maybe the fact it alleviates his stress and anxiety? Or perhaps being non-existent seems better than living in anguish?
Living in chains. Feeling emotions that shouldn't be existing.
Creating problems on himself when you can ignore it.
Ken sighed and rest his scarred arm on his chest, sensing his heartbeat. A sign that he's still alive and breathing. He can't believe he's still existing.
Before waking up from where he is now, he remembered sitting in the corner of his bathroom. Feeling the cold floor on his bare skin.
He remembered holding his medicine jar, close to his chest.
The man was thinking, fighting his inner mind.
He shouldn't do it.
He knows he shouldn't.
But he's mentally tired. As if death waits for him to do the job and steal his soul.
It tempts him.
Hurting himself wasn't enough, so he took a large number of pills and drank them all at once to end his suffering.
Suffering that he didn't know where it came from.
Why does he have it? He's living okay from what he knows. He was happy.
When did he felt these strange emotions? A feeling of sadness and self-pity.
From wanting to live his best to asking himself what future awaits if he's resting underground?
He didn't know if surviving from those pills is a sign that he should live.
Should he feel grateful?
He wants to, but he can't. He doesn't feel better. The feeling became heavier.
Suddenly, Ken heard his phone vibrate from the desk on his right. Besides the phone, a vase of white and yellow daffodil was placed. Ken was unsure if it was a gift from his friends or an existing display for the patient room. He found himself waking up with those fresh flowers placed prettily.
Ken then slowly rose from his bed and took his phone to check. The sudden light from the screen made his eyes hurt a little but he quickly adjusted and cracked his password.
He realized it's already 11:50 pm. Time sure does flies.
Now that you think about it, Ken hasn't been eating dinner. He rejected the nurse's offer to eat since he didn't feel like it. But realizing he still hasn't eat made his stomach churn.
Ken sighed and ignored his hunger to check the notification.
It's her mother
Ken didn't bother to answer and turned off his phone so other notifications wouldn't scream.
As he tried to lay again, his stomach growled in hunger which Ken cussed in annoyance.
Thinking it's for his stomach, with force, the man tries to get off the bed and put on his slippers.
Slowly, he opened the door and checked the hallway from left to right. Noticing that there were no signs of patients or staff, he made his way to find the nearest vending machine.
Walking alone in the hallway was something Ken is used to. He remembered being loud around his friends back in the university but one day, he felt the need to be alone.
He still hangs out with his friends but there are times he would reject them and leave the university alone.
No one noticed his sudden behavior. Each day, their reaction when meeting him is the same as any other day.
He felt bitter.
But he knows it's not their fault.
He blamed himself for being this way.
Ken stopped in his tracks after seeing a vending machine. Some chips and drinks were displayed inside the machine. He scanned his eyes and found his favorite snack that he used to eat even when he was a kid.
But he suddenly felt no hunger.
The young man then continued walking, never turning his back.
×××
He didn't know why his feet dragged him here.
Ken found himself walking upstairs to the hospital's rooftop.
He knew what his mind is planning. His demons slowly scattering him inside.
Every step that he takes became heavier as if he carries a ton of heavy dumbells on his back. Each step hurt, but he kept going.
Ken knew what cost it takes.
But he's tired.
He's so tired.
Ken finally reached the top, and only one door preventing him from entering through the rooftop
He stood awhile on that door.
Fighting and thinking if it is worth it.
But he'll end his sufferings.
But how about his friends? His family?
Will they be okay?
Ken stared at the doorknob. His expression in confusion and anticipation on what path he should take.
Should he or should he not?
Come on, do it
Your friends won't care
Your parents are too busy to be worried about you
It's okay, you won't feel anything after
His demons mocked. Delusions of laughter echoed inside his ears.
He felt sick. He became terrified.
Finally, the man grumbled and bit his lip. Feeling his legs weakening, he lay down in frog seat, his hands reaching his hair, messing the strands to calm himself down.
Why is he here in the first place?
"God, please give me a sign... Please"
He begged and cried. His whole mind is disconcerting. He's disabled and a slave to his darkest impulse. He can't control it, oh how much he wants to end it.
He wants to end it.
Finally, Ken stopped crying. His hiccups slowly fading, his eyes still in tears, the young man then tries to stand up again despite his weak legs and grabbed the doorknob.
With a heavy breath, he slowly turned it, opening it, with sounds creaking due to age.
It's okay
You won't feel anything after Ken
No one will know anyway
I'm sorry Mom and Dad
I did my best. But I'm too weak
I'm too we-
Momentarily, his mind stopped after stepping outside.
Under the dark cold sky, where stars glimmered, another man stares into infinity near the railings.
The unknown man was quiet as if created his world, he only stared at the countless stellar. His eyes sparkled back in awe, his jaw slightly hanging in amusement.
Ken was astonished.
The unfamiliar man was like one of the shimmering stars. He didn't know why this man shone brighter than the stars this man eyes on.
Ken forgot his purpose. His eyes stuck at the man.
Both were quiet. Unknown to each other's presence.
The unknown man gawking at the scattered dust of gleam and Ken who radiate at this man who's more beautiful than moon and stars.
Minutes passed that felt like hours, the foreign man finally noticed another presence, thus shifting his attention to Ken.
Both then stared at each other.
"Uh.." Ken muttered, realizing the awkward air.
His daydreaming finally turned to reality. Ken tries to alter his eyes to leave the man's piercing gaze and focused on his surroundings.
The younger man then realized that the latter is also wearing the hospital's uniform.
He's also a patient.
"How long have you been here?"
Ken's ears twitched after hearing a rather soothing sound coming out from the older man. The former somehow feels relaxed with his voice. It's very calm and reassuring. He wanted to hear more.
Ken answered. "Umm yeah"
He saw the latter smiled. A chesire one.
"Talaga? Here to check the stars also?"
".... Yeah"
"Oh cool, we can stargaze together. Come here!"
The unknown man then signaled Ken to come closer while smiling. The former was hesitant at first but after seeing the older man's eyes sparkle, with his lips stretching to form a smile, Ken felt assurance.
He took a step closer.
The two then leaned their arms on the railings, both looking up to see the stars.
Ken felt a gush of cold wind on his face, so he looked down and realized that they were high up. The man felt dizzy just by looking down, how many feet are they from the ground?
Ken then remembered his ulterior move why he came here.
His mood switched rapidly, he felt horrified, realizing that his mind played tricks again to steal his life. What will happen if he let his emotions get ahead of him again? What if he continued what he supposed to do? What if...
What if this man next to him wasn't here?
Imaginations of made-up conclusions and predictions flushed thru his mind. His eyesight becoming blurry from panic.
He felt like clinging to a prickly rope. He felt pain just by holding dear, gripping those sharp thorns. He would sometimes let go, but he realizes, what will happen? What future lies ahead for others if I let go? And so he holds dear again. And the pain came back.
It's so unbearable to feel like this. What choices should he make? What path will make him better about himself?
Confusion on what to believe, his headache.
"Hey? Are you okay?"
Ken suddenly felt a tap on his shoulder that made him come back to his presence.
Immediately, he heaved a heavy sigh to calm down before looking at the man beside him who looks back with curiosity.
The older man only blinked in confusion, tilting his head to see if the former was okay.
"Are you okay?" He asked again.
"U-uh... I'm fine... I'm fine." The former answered back and tried his best to chuckle to erase an awkward mood.
It seems that his tactics work as the older man raises an eyebrow before focusing his attention back on the stellar.
Ken sighed and tried his best not to look down to not trigger himself further.
He wasn't interested in stargazing, the young man found them beautiful but not enough to look at them for hours.
The older man next to him seems different as he kept gazing. Staring like they won't see them again for the next night.
Both men were quiet for a while and Ken quickly became bored. His fingers entwining with each other, fiddling it to be entertained.
Maybe he should go back? Though he might interrupt the older man, as the latter was too focused in staring at the sky. Leaving without a word seems too rude, he doesn't want to leave an impression like that.
And so he stayed. Ken stayed and decided to give it a try and stargaze.
What he saw was mesmerizing, he felt like a thousand blinking lights were twinkling just for him. He never tried looking up the sky at this hour so he was astonished.
He felt he was in another dimension.
Some stars were bright and some were not. Some look big and some seem so far away.
Ken imagined himself floating with the stars, resting there forever. How peaceful would it be?
"What's your favorite constellation?"
The older man asked.
Ken suddenly turned his head to the man beside him. The latter didn't look back and still not breaking contact with the stars.
Ken tried thinking of an answer. He isn't into astrology so he doesn't have any knowledge of this topic. Moreover, this man beside him seems to act as if they knew each other. He didn't know how to react to the sudden closeness.
"I guess... Orion?" Ken wasn't sure if he was right.
"Hmm... The hunter? Well, it's the most common thing to find so I figure. Di kita masisi, common din naman akin!"
The older man giggled in glee and pointed at the sky making Ken look at it.
"Mine's Gemini, my zodiac sign"
Oh, he's a Gemini... Ken thought.
Ken who tried finding where the latter was pointing to seemed pointless as he doesn't have any idea what the constellation looks like, the older man noticed it so he tried explaining.
"Gemini is one of the brightest stars, and they're near Orion."
"Really?"
The older man nod and continued.
"First we'll have to find Orion, which is not hard to find"
Ken then tried to find the Orion. He knows what Orion looks like but with the massive stars beaming back at him, he became confused about where to find it.
"How do you find it?" Ken asked and the latter quickly answered.
"We're living in the Northern hemisphere so it's located in the southwestern sky."
The older man then showed the direction to help the younger man which Ken quickly followed.
"First, find an hourglass-shaped constellation"
"Oh, found it!"
"Then as you connect more, you'll see its arms and shield"
Ken beamed when he finally saw it. Quickly he turned his head to ask.
"You said Gemini is near Orion?"
The latter nod and smiled at Ken.
"Yep, if you go northeast from Orion that's where it's located."
Ken nod and tried to find the location.
"If you see two brightest stars from Orion, that's Gemini. If you connect it, they'll look like two children holding hands"
The older man tried to be specific and pointed two stars and made a drawing out of air for the younger man's imagination to happen.
Ken was fascinated as he finally saw Gemini. Like what the unknown man said, they indeed looked like two children holding hands.
"Beautiful aren't they?" The unknown man chuckled.
Ken hummed as an approval, still staring at the Gemini Constellation.
"Is star gazing your hobby?" Ken asked and it took minutes before the man beside him nod and answered.
"Yes, ever since I came here to the hospital. It became my hobby."
"Have you been here long?"
Ken heard him hum. "It's been a while."
The latter then looked at Ken which made the younger man gasped inside.
After being closer to him, he realized how this unknown man's eyes sparkle with joy. Or is it because of the stars shining above them?
"They're my reason why I want to wake up every day"
The older fellow then broke his gaze to Ken and went back to peering at the stellar.
"I realized that..... The world isn't so bad"
The younger one didn't bother to answer and looked down on his hands, gripping hard at the railings.
He noticed his scars and he sighed, touching them mildly.
"I get the chance to see this beautiful sight. Isn't it a great reason to wake up every day?" The latter continue
Finally, Ken answered. Without giving it a thought.
"What if the world isn't bad but you are the problem? You're the cause on why you believe the world is selfish? Do they still have the right to see these stars?"
The latter's eyes widened after hearing Ken's remark, but his face quickly became calm, and smiled. Closing his eyes to feel the cold wind, he answered.
"Who isn't thinking negatively of themselves? Everyone has demons inside. And people have different ways to handle these demons"
Ken felt embarrassed for a minute. His mouth blabbered suddenly without giving it a thought. Why is he saying this to a stranger? He might think he's weird.
The young man peeked at the older one, his eyes finally opening after feeling the breeze.
He then continued.
"Still, they have the right to see these stars. They have the right to find the beauty of this world"
Ken was surprised to hear the latter's answer but he heaved a sigh and looked up at the stars, raising his arm full of scars as if reaching the ocean of darkness.
"I don't think I can. I don't think I have the right"
He muttered, clenching his fist. He then slowly lowered his arms as if giving up but to his surprise, a hand suddenly touched his wrist and lifted it back towards the sky
"It's okay to feel sorrow. But do not think you don't have the right to this world just because you believe this world is nothing but selfish. You only haven't discovered it. Isn't it a miracle that until now, you're here with me? Isn't it a miracle that we're seeing each other today? Isn't it beautiful?"
The older man slowly lowered his hand thru Ken's wrist where his scars are mostly visible.
The younger man breathed heavily as this unknown person touched his scars.
He didn't know how to feel, he never let people touch his scars. It's a sign of his weakness, his vulnerability.
What will he say? Will he laugh? Will he feel pity?
No, ken doesn't want that. What he hates the most are people thinking he's too weak. Or maybe it's the fact that he can't accept he's weak.
The unknown man kept grazing his fingers to his scars. Minutes he finally let go and stared at Ken's eyes.
But there was no judgment in this older one's eyes.
Finally, he spoke. "Thank you"
Ken processed for a second before answering. "Ha?"
" I said thank you"
"What for?"
"For being strong"
Ken fell silent after hearing the word 'strong'
He's strong? How come?
"I-I... I don't l-I'm not-"
"Thank you for fighting" the older man said again.
Tears formed from Ken's eyes. This is the first time someone thanks him for it. From the start, he always thinks it's his fault, that it's because he's weak.
For the first time, he felt brave.
"Thank you... For being here with me today."
Ken finally crumbled.
And he cried. He cried hard.
The older man then hugged him for comfort.
Both embraced each other, with Ken's cries as sounds in their quiet night.
Ken is comfortable.
"It's okay to cry. It's okay.." The latter cooed on his ears as he tapped the younger one's back and Ken cried for more.
Ken felt that his heavy load slowly became light.
It's still there, but it became light for today.
Ken felt pathetic crying but hearing the word 'thankyou' made him feel important.
For the first time, he felt important.
While crying he heard the older one whisper.
"Thank you for being with me today. I hope to see stars again with you"
×××
"Is your room downstairs?"
Ken asked as they finally reached the floor where Ken's room is.
The older man nod. "Yup. It was nice meeting you."
The latter smiled and waved to Ken as a goodbye.
As he about to leave, Ken suddenly called him, raising his voice a little.
"Ah sandali!"
The older fellow turned his head to see Ken.
"W-what's your name?"
Ken realized that until now he doesn't know what the man's name is, so he made his chance to ask.
The latter chuckled at the question.
"Deputy Deputy Ajero"
Stell... Just like the stellar...
Ken beamed at that thought.
"Will I get to see you tomorrow again?"
The latter seemed surprised with Ken's question but he smiled nonetheless.
"I'll try my best..." Stell scratched his head as if unsure. But it was enough for Ken as an answer.
"Thank you for today Ken, I'll see you If I could"
Stell smiled one more time before turning his back and leaving without bothering to wait for Ken's answer.
But Ken felt stuck in his position after hearing his name from Stell. From what he knows, he didn't tell his name yet.
He knows me?
But what bothered Ken most is how Stell's smile changed.
It was kinda sad.
Ken shook his head and came back to his room.
As he entered his room, the lone darkness greeted him again.
He stood alone for a while, scanning his darkroom.
He then decided to open the curtains completely so that the moonlight would come fully into his room, he tried peeking from the window but only to be disappointed after discovering that the stars he saw on the rooftop aren't visible, but still he let it be and sat on his bed.
He stared at the gloomy night.
Ken recalled his moments earlier, him meeting Stell and the moment where he showed his most vulnerable state to a stranger.
He felt lightheaded after experiencing it.
He's looking forward to seeing that stranger again. His ambiance was calm and trustworthy. He didn't judge. He wasn't pitying him.
Ken's facial expression suddenly changed after remembering something. Without a word, he turned his head and reached his cellphone sitting on the desk, and turned it on.
The screen lit up making Ken jolt in the sudden light, but immediately he checked his contacts looking for his Mother's earlier message.
He stared at it for a while.
"God, was it the sign you gave me?"
Ken asked above, in a muttered voice.
Is Stell God's sign to continue?
But what if he'll fail? What if he became worst?
"Still, they have the right to see these stars. They have the right to find the beauty of this world"
Ken then remembered what Stell said.
He lifted his eyes and the first thing he saw is the vase of daffodil that until now, he doesn't where it came from.
The yellow and white petals reminded him of the stars.
He wanted to see the stars again.
And so he answered back.
×××
A week after recovering, Ken is now ready to leave the hospital. After that night, he didn't saw Stell after.
He tried looking for him on the rooftop every night since the man loves stargazing, but he wasn't there.
Maybe he left the hospital already? Or fate didn't want them to meet again?
But still, Ken will never forget him.
"Ken boy, are you ready?"
"Yep, just a sec.." Ken packed his final belonging in his backpack and lifted them and wore it on his back.
The family was about to leave but Ken saw the dried daffodil on his vase.
Somehow Ken felt sorry for the flower but he liked its company while it lasted.
"By the way mom... Who sent this?"
Ken's mother looked at the flower vase and held her chin to think.
"I don't know... Maybe he's just a display at the hospital"
The young man hummed and nod as an answer.
The two finally left the room and walked into the hallway.
"You can meet Dr. Ramos anytime you're ready hon. No need to rush."
"It's okay. I can meet him next week"
Ken's mother then stopped making the latter follow him.
The former looked at his mom in confusion, asking why she stopped.
"What's wrong?" He asked.
His mother's eyes soften, and slowly she raised her hand to pat her son's head.
"I'm sorry Kenji... Naging pabaya ako. Your dad and I should've noticed it. But we decided to shift our attention to work and less to you"
Her hand then shifted to Ken's cheek, grasping it mildly. Like a mother adoring her child, which Ken gladly accepts. He purred on his mother's touch.
"It's okay mom... It's no one's fault. I'm trying my best to escape this dark hole. Though it might take a while"
Ken's mother sniffed, trying hard not to cry. She didn't want to cry in front of her son. At least she wants to look strong to Ken. She doesn't want to make him worried, her not realizing her own son's problems is enough.
"I love you Ken"
Ken smiled back.
"I love you too mom"
After an emotional talk, the two continued their exit to the hospital, as they were close outside, Ken noticed an Information Section where two nurses were busy with their shift.
He then asked his mom to wait for him outside.
"Mom, mauna ka na. Tell dad that I'll be quick"
"Why? Did you leave anything behind?"
"Wala naman, just checking some things before leaving this place."
His mother nod. "Okay then, be careful"
Ken nod back and waited for her mother to leave the building.
When his mother was nowhere in sight, he quickly came to the Information area.
"Excuse me, can I look for someone's room number?"
The nurse's attention quickly turned to him, and with monotone, she asked.
"What is your relationship with the patient?"
"Friend"
"Name po?"
"Stellvester Ajero"
"May I see your identification and proof that you are related to this person?"
Ken stopped for a while, feeling a little embarrassed. He just met Stell last week, what should he present?
"Wala eh. But I have a valid ID, does it count?"
The nurse shook her head.
"I'm sorry sir, I am unable to entertain you if wala kayong proof that you are indeed related to the patient."
Ken slumped his shoulder in disappointment.
"I see, thank you po"
"Have a good day Sir."
Ken then turned his back to leave the hospital but only to be stopped when he heard a voice.
"Sir excuse me!" With reflex, Ken looked behind to see who called him. He then saw a male nurse coming out from the Information section. It must be the nurse's co-staff.
The nurse then ran near him. With confusion, he asked.
"Is there a problem?"
Ken scanned the man's face who's taller than him. His face is enough to tell that this man is attractive to the ladies. His bangs brushed sideways, revealing his forehead. The former also noticed its sharp nose.
"I heard you're looking for Stell?"
Ken was surprised. He knows Stell?
"Uh oo. Do you know him?"
The male nurse nod.
"Justin pala" and he revealed his hand asking for a handshake which Ken gladly took.
"Ken." He answered.
"Is Stell your friend?" Justin asked again.
Ken didn't know what to answer. Should he consider Stell as his friend? But they only met once and now he's nowhere to be seen.
But Ken nods to avoid further questions.
"Yes. Do you know where he is?"
Justin fell silent. Biting his lip as if unsure of how to respond.
Ken felt his patience getting thin since his parents are waiting for him, he again asked to corner him.
"Asan si Stell? Did he already left the hospital?"
The male nurse then sighed, and slowly he opened his mouth to speak.
"He's dead"
×××
"Oh, Ken, why did it take you so long?"
He heard his mother asked as he enters the car. As he sat he saw his father on the driver's seat looking at the rearview mirror.
"Nothing, just talked to someone I know"
His mother made an 'oh' sound as an understanding. His father asked as his turn.
"Do you want to eat first? Let's go to your favorite place"
"Sure" Ken answered, and the car drove off.
The family became silent throughout the trip, except for the radio's sound and her mother's constant storytelling.
The young man laid his head on the car window and looked at the scenery outside.
He then closed his eyes and recalled his talk to Justin.
"He is dead."
Ken's eyes widened.
"Dead? What d-do you mean dead?"
Ken's jaw almost dropped. Are his ears playing tricks again? Did he hear Justin wrong? How come Stell is dead? He just talked to him last week.
He can still remember his smile.
"I was the nurse who took care of him. He has a heart tumor and would constantly visit our hospital."
He was sick?
Ken held his head, feeling the impact of information he just received. His emotions were mixing up with sadness, anger, and shock.
He then remembered Stell's last words before they split up.
"Thank you for today Ken, I'll see you If I could"
"I'll see you if I could..." He muttered to himself.
"What happened to him? How come h-he's dead?" Ken asked again and Justin smiled faintly to comfort him.
"Failed surgery. He was supposed to have heart surgery last week. But he didn't make it"
Ken felt like Medusa turned him into stone. That one person who helped him to avoid suicide is dead? How come?
He didn't get to stargaze again with him.
He didn't get to say his name.
He didn't get to say goodbye.
"Before surgery, he requested me to give this to someone named Ken"
Ken only realized that Justin was holding a book. The nurse then showed it to him.
How To Identify The Stars.
Ken slowly grabbed it, sensing the old age of Stell's book. Did his knowledge from the stars come from this?
He then opened it and indeed it was a book of constellations and information about stars.
Some pages were all scribbled with notes and Ken smiled after seeing it.
He can already tell Stell's personality just by his handwriting. Warm and thankful. He felt honored. They only met once but the man remembered him till his last breath.
His hands started shaking, so to calm himself down, Ken hugged the book on his chest and breathe in.
'Thankyou Stell... Thank you..' He thought to himself.
"At first, I was confused about who Ken is. But I remembered that there's this one patient who took Stell's attention."
Ken looked up, his forehead knotted in confusion.
"What?"
Justin chuckled and waved his hand to avoid the conversation.
"Nevermind. It's another story"
Ken nod as a reply and made his chance to look at the book again.
"May you rest in peace Stell."
He muttered and smiled. Not realizing his eyes are forming a tear.
He may not know him personally, but he will never forget him.
Ken opened his eyes and took the book inside his bag. At first, he checked the cover, touching and feeling its texture. When he became satisfied he then opened the pages, turning them one by one.
As he flips the pages, he noticed a particular page being bookmarked. He opened that page and realized that a yellow daffodil flower was used as a mark. Just like the flower in his patient room, it's dry, maybe already used for weeks.
He checked the content of the page and realized its Stell's favorite topic.
The Gemini Constellation.
Ken smiled and chuckled.
"Ken? Why are you laughing? Is there something funny?"
Ken's father suddenly asked after noticing his son on the rearview mirror laughing quietly.
Ken's mother turned in her son's direction to check him also.
"May problema ba?" His mother asked which Ken answered with a shake.
"No there's nothing wrong. It's just... I think I found a new hobby"
"Hobby?" Both parents asked and Ken nod, still looking at the page. The man then remembered Stell's eyes sparkling under the dark sky. His voice comforting him when he came vulnerable.
"If we have time, shall we go stargazing?"