[The Sea of ​​Loneliness]

Paradise

bang-


This grueling race, which began with the sound of gunfire, dizzying my mind throughout the race, far from inspiring concentration, ended with a disappointing record that left me feeling uneasy even afterward. From beginning to end, it was a perfunctory affair, devoid of anything to please.


42.195, a record far from satisfying me, who worked tirelessly every day. It's not enough for me, who's making others' dreams come true. It's not even a dream, it's just another record that anyone could achieve. But even though I'm always heartbroken by that one, I'm ready to run again, hoping the next time will be less painful, overcoming that pain. But perhaps, for my dream, this record is enough to bring happiness.


"I played well enough to this extent."

"The records are good, so let's take a break now."


People said, "Let's stop now. We've done enough. Let's rest." They wore the mask of concern for me, who was no longer worthy, and recommended an endless rest with no end in sight. Maybe, maybe, it wasn't a mask. But that didn't matter. Everyone already knew it. Even I already knew it. I couldn't get any better. I just wanted to believe that this was the limit, that I wanted to face the happiness that was already at the end, not the effort that made it impossible to know the end. But that wasn't the true limit.


As I ran, countless thoughts constantly clashed in my head. But even though they clashed, I couldn't tell what was right or wrong. I forgot what my dream was, what I was running towards, why I was running. I wished I knew why I was running. I hoped for an answer, even something as obvious as that, even if it was wrong: for my parents. But I didn't even know that. I just kept pushing forward, forward, on a path with no end in sight, until I was faced with an empty, empty self.


It's okay to stop. There's no need to run for no reason, right? Whether you run for no reason, as if you're taking a break, or run hard to achieve your dreams, it's okay to take a break and then go if it gets tough. Whatever my dream is, whatever anyone can do, as long as I can be happy, it doesn't matter what my dream is. Because a dream is just a small and insignificant goal of mine. Just like a peaceful paradise where nothing disturbs me and no one else. Every breath I let out while achieving my dream is already in paradise.


Everyone says they have to be famous, they have to be the light, they have to be the number one that everyone knows, they have to be the person everyone admires. Everyone says that, as if it's a small, easy process to achieve a dream. What's a dream? Dreaming in bed is a dream, and dreaming of being the brush that draws our future is also a dream. If everything seems so lacking, if you don't like it, just give up and be whatever you want. Have the will to change, and don't tell others what to do about their dreams.


But the world, sadly, only lets me face happiness when I've reached the limit where I can't go any further, even after running and running and running again. It's designed to make me give up before I even meet happiness. So that only those who have confidence in their dreams and give up can meet them. I live like this, surviving, this is my small dream, but sometimes dreaming, holding onto my dreams, breathing while dreaming is difficult. If even dreaming is difficult, how can I live in this world? No matter what anyone says, even if everyone says it's wrong, even if they tell me to do this or that, I have to make the decision. No matter what anyone says, this is my precious dream.


I'm finally tying the knot in my foolish race, which I've dubbed my final retirement race. Why did I finally realize that happiness isn't created by my foolish records, but by doing good things for myself? Why did I take so long to define the word "happiness"? Why does this foolish me only realize it now and feel sad? The word that makes up my unique self in this world, what makes me happy isn't my endless, unimproving race, nor the records it creates, but my dreams, always by my side, like a brush painting my uncertain, uncertain future, and my bright hope, the driving force behind those dreams. But even if I think it's too late, there's still plenty of time left until I can find happiness and dream a new dream.


All the happiness that makes me come true and shapes my uncertain future is in paradise.