Let's break up
.
“It will take at most three months.”
Two weeks ago, I was notified. My lifeline was about to end. I was so shocked that I couldn't do anything. I had a health checkup when I was twenty, and I was diagnosed with terminal stomach cancer. The doctor said I must have been sick enough to die, and asked what I had been doing without coming to the hospital. I was dumbfounded. I remember pouring medicine into my mouth, determined not to go to the hospital even though I was sick. I remember holding on to my senses and holding on until I almost collapsed. I thought it was just a stress-related illness, and blamed my weak body.
It was all a futile effort. If I had known it would turn out like this, there were so many things I would not have even started.
Still sitting under the yellow light, staring at that piece of paper. Three months at most. I might not be able to open my eyes tomorrow morning. Two weeks have passed since I was given the terminal diagnosis. During that time, I thought calmly. About what I could do. And the conclusion I came to was to say goodbye to the three people. Finally, today, I put an end to them. I deleted all three names from my phone contacts. I didn’t hesitate for a moment. It was fortunate. I was able to cut off this complicated relationship while I was still alive.
.
Our first meeting was in a remote travel destination. Three young men who had saved up money since their school days to travel to Europe, Europe they went to as exchange students. The four of us met and became close in a foreign land. Our paths coincidentally overlapped, and when we talked, we lost track of time. We had a connection, and we met in a foreign land and became colleagues who had something in common. And when they were about to leave before me, I received three notes from them. The three of them had spent time with me without knowing each other, and in the end, the feelings I received were… unexpectedly… the sincerity of the three of them.
“Will you go for a walk with me one last time?”
The night before they left for Korea, Park Jimin suggested I take a night walk.
“Will we see each other again?”
Kim Taehyung promised to meet me next time
“How are you feeling?”
Jeon Jungkook spent some quiet time with me.
And soon, Jeon Jungkook came back to Europe. A season changed, and he came to see me alone. At first, I was happy, then I felt affectionate. It was a great comfort to have someone to rely on while staying in a foreign land. All I knew about him was that he was Korean. Maybe that’s why I became curious about him, and we continued to meet.
.
And now. I spent the night with my eyes wide open, and my body, unable to bear the fatigue, was sending me strange signals. A pain that felt like my stomach was being squeezed, a splitting headache, and dry nausea that kept coming up even though I hadn’t eaten anything. Without even the strength to take medicine, I was barely able to catch my breath, leaning against the sofa. The ringtone rang like a bang in my ear. I barely managed to grab my phone while feeling around the sofa, and on the screen… a familiar number with a number arrangement. And when that number faded from my vision and the light spread, I completely lost consciousness.
And I barely opened my eyes to the stinging smell of medicine. The first thing that came into my sight was… a white ceiling. A blue blanket. An IV needle stuck in the back of my hand. And… Jeon Jungkook lying face down, holding my hand tightly. This is a big problem. Did he find out about my illness?
“Jungkook.”
When I lightly touched his shoulder, he lifted his head. It seemed like he had fallen asleep for a while. He looked at me and with a distorted expression, he grabbed my hand even tighter. It was my hand that he was holding, but why did my insides hurt even more? Why was I so happy to see his expression, which I had not seen before when we met?
“Did you break up to show me this kind of appearance?”
“You called.”
“Answer me. Where does it hurt?”
Judging from his expression... he didn't seem to know yet. That was fortunate. I had tried not to tell anyone this secret. I was relieved that it didn't come out in vain. He looked at me with worried eyes. I thought that I had to endure this kind of treatment because I was sick in life, and I laughed. His face, which was always expressionless, and his cold eyes that didn't change even when he kissed me, why were they so warm now? You should have been consistent so that I wouldn't want to live. Why are you now...
“Let's go out.”
“Where are you going? You’re sick.”
It wouldn’t be fixed even if there was more. I pulled out the needle when I saw the sap running out. When I tried to put on my shoes, I realized that there was none. An ambulance or Jeon Jungkook must have brought me here. Jeon Jungkook read my eyes and said he would go to the general affairs department for a moment. When he came back, he came over to me and put his padding on me. After pulling the zipper up to my chin, he turned his back to me. We didn’t say anything. I just rode on his back.
.
Coming down to the parking lot, Jeon Jungkook put me in the passenger seat of his car. He then headed to the driver's seat and started the engine. He said he would take me home. And then silence. I looked out the window at the limp tree with all its leaves fallen. And the dead leaves piled up underneath it. Spring will come after winter. Will I be able to see next spring? I couldn't help but laugh in vain. My dreams are big. I turned my head, and Jeon Jungkook was still staring straight ahead. And the next place my eyes landed on was the glove box. I opened it.
As expected, there were countless traces of me. The lipstick I was looking for. The handbag. The hair tie. The perfume… It was a place filled with all my things. As I dug through the things that were deep inside, I found some embarrassing traces. Torn stockings… Things like that. When I lifted it up like a dirty rag, Jeon Jungkook glanced at it and gave a deflated smile.
“Why don’t you throw this away?”
“There was something like that left.”
“Don’t pretend you don’t know.”
“I got caught.”
“You pervert son…”
We exchanged idle jokes. It felt like going back in time. Yes, there were times when we shared our hearts passionately. I’m not sure if that was true love. There were moments when we were happy together. It will be in the past tense from now on. Now that I look back, we didn’t have a single photo. We didn’t have a single photo or video of each other like a typical couple. That was also my fault for not being honest in all relationships. You’ll hate me until you die.
And yet, you were my salvation just by existing, I thought as I looked at his profile.
.
Epilogue
Paris, France
“Seriously, what about me?”
“You’re a good person, Jeongguk.”
“Not like that. As a lover.”
“Okay. He’s a great guy.”
But why can't I? Jungkook asked Ian. Today was already the third confession. Instead of answering, Ian smiled faintly. Soon after Jungkook snatched the laundry out of Ian's hands, Ian opened his mouth.
“You can’t handle me.”
“What do you mean, that is?”
“I’m not satisfied with just one man. I.”
As you can see, I have a bit of a… pity face for dating only one man.