“I want to see flowers.”
“······.”
“Holding hands with you.”
Perhaps it was because I dismissed it as nothing, even the strangest words, because they were something I'd said every day. I slowly closed my eyes, accepting the thought, and fell into sleep, only to find you gone. As if I'd been alone in this house all along. Silence lingered in the room. The mattress still exuded a musty, damp scent. On a rainy morning, I barely managed to get up and leave the house without a second thought. I couldn't even remember your face anymore. Our love, born from my arrogance in assuming you'd never leave me, had forged this poignant bond.
Let's meet again on a day when flower rain falls© 𝐖𝐎𝐑𝐓𝐇 𝐈𝐓
Last year, around this time, I was shaking the water off a clear umbrella I'd bought at a convenience store at the library entrance. A fellow librarian, who also worked there, stopped beside me and struck up a conversation. He always talked about the weather, asking how the night was, if I'd seen the lightning that morning. It was as if he had a mind of his own, calm on rainy days, but when the sun came up, he'd walk around the library, smiling nonstop. Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately, it was raining today, so I didn't have to deal with his mood entirely. As his soft, soothing voice drifted into my ears, his hard, soft bass reminded me of my mattress.
“I have to organize the new books that came in today.”
“Good.”
"Me too. The smell of paper is especially strong on rainy days. I'm already excited. I know that when I open this door, it'll be filled with all my favorite things waiting to greet me."
Every time I spoke with him, I felt he had a truly romantic view of the world. Contrary to the average person's ideology, he was always friendly to the world. He eagerly anticipated the monthly new book collection, which some might find tiresome, and he enjoyed pulling a cart around, gathering the books that people had left here and there, and putting them back in their proper places. Even in a city library, there were many thin, tall vases filled with his own money placed in the windowsills, a sentiment he cherished. Even I couldn't help but love this place and this person. He was someone who loved the world and his own things with all his heart.
“Sometimes, when I see Taehyung, he seems like a writer.”
“I wish my world were literature.”
His fluttering coat gave off a woodsy scent. Only after his tingling scent had turned my insides inside out could I come to my senses. He was literature. A lush literature that would suffocate my days at the end of summer. I watched him awkwardly walk into the library, wondering if he'd been complaining so much since morning, and envied his world. I, too, wanted to live in Kim Taehyung's world. I swallowed the words he desperately wanted to hear and followed him.
The moment I open the library door, the scent of new books and the gentle scent of wildflowers everywhere hit me. I still can't believe I'm working with such a peculiar person in such a perfect workplace. It feels like three years already. Ever since I forgot about you, he's captivated me instantly, and he's been lingering by my side ever since. I thought he was kind, but he lives in my heart and never pays rent. As the same internet slang buzzed through my head, he, who had been filling my gaze, beckoned me.
“It’s a new book.”
“Ah, the smell of new books.”
“It’s so good, I want to keep my nose in the book all day.”
If anyone had seen the couple sniffing around in a box of new books, it would have been a lifelong embarrassment. Back then, intoxicated by the scent, we hadn't noticed, but looking back, the realization that our actions were quite comical made my ears turn red. He, too, seemed to recognize the humor of the situation and chuckled slightly. It was as if flowers were sprouting from his every movement.
In the library, where the cool air flowed through the air conditioning, he draped his coat over his designated chair and began organizing the new books. While he was organizing the new books, and as we were tidying up our desks, something sparkled in his bag. A pendant? A pocket watch? Ever since the light reflected off it, I'd been pondering its identity. Thinking it would be better to ask than to sneak a peek, I called him over to the quiet library, which was still empty because it was still morning.
“Taehyung, what is in your bag?”
“A bag?”
“Yes, something like a pendant...”
“Oh, it’s my brother’s keepsake.”
Why? Contrary to the lukewarm tone of his voice as he answered my question, I could see his once vibrant eyes growing cold. He had been excitedly organizing his books just moments before, but now his movements had become sluggish. Had I asked for nothing? I finished organizing my things and checked the number of new books next to him. My eyes were on the books, but my mind was full of him. Soon, with people trickling in, I sat down at the counter.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't bothered by Kim Taehyung's reaction to my question earlier. I must have asked for nothing. I glanced at him, checking his movements. He definitely felt different than before. It felt like my fault, so I started to blame myself. Of all things, the item I found was my brother's belongings. What luck. But strangely, the item felt incredibly familiar. Did I know someone who had passed away? I don't think so. Or maybe I saw it at a department store. How could a single pendant ruin my mind? He finished organizing his new books and slowly approached me. I should apologize. It was an instinctive thought.
"Taehyung, you mentioned the pendant earlier..."
"yes."
"I'm sorry. I didn't know it was a keepsake, so I felt like I asked for nothing..."
"Oh, it's okay. You didn't know."
Even though he spoke calmly, his fingertips trembled slightly, suggesting he wasn't truly okay. "What should I do? I'm so sorry." He watched me fidgeting in the seat next to him, and to avoid breaking the silence of the library, he crumpled his facial muscles and suppressed a laugh. Only after seeing him wave his hand, reassuring me that he was truly okay, was I able to relax.
After that, my days passed without incident. I worked, made library cards, watched the people coming into the library, organized books... There was just one problem. After he'd folded himself in half and chuckled quietly earlier, just meeting his eyes made me laugh, which was quite a struggle. As I was putting books in my cart one by one, I glanced back at the counter, and when our eyes met, I couldn't help but smile, even if I tried not to.
“······.”
“······.”
“······.”
“······!”
Every night before I fell asleep, I often felt an inexplicable emptiness. Most days, I felt as if I were alone in this world, as if no one was left by my side. But after meeting him, things were undeniably different. Even if I were truly left alone in this world, as long as this one person was with me, I feared nothing. It was the same even then. Our eyes met, deep in our throats, as if we were the only ones left in this space. Is this love? Are you and I in love right now? My heart pounded so fast that the book I held tightly to my chest hummed. We must be in love. After staring at each other for a long time, our eyes finally turned to each other, and only then did I regain my composure.
"love···."
Even the softly muttered words made my nose tingle. Why is this happening? I'd only said the word "love." I felt my eyes flush for no apparent reason, and I buried my face in my sleeve. I wished it was because I was happy to be in love. I put the book I was clutching back on the shelf. I was happy, but I couldn't smile. It felt strangely out of place, and I barely managed to raise my lips into a crooked smile. Something was wrong.
***
“Is this the right alley?”
“Yes, it’s a little narrow.”
“It’s okay. If the road is narrow, I can walk behind you.”
As the sky darkened and the time drew nearer, he and I, having finished our work, locked the library door firmly. The rain that had been falling since morning was still falling. They say it usually rains heavily when the seasons change. Perhaps it was a sign of forgetting the previous season and preparing for the next. Still, perhaps summer was well behind us, but the rain felt cool rather than humid. I nodded when he offered to walk me home. Of course I'd be happy, so I said, "Do whatever you want."
“Do you live alone?”
“No, I have a man I live with.”
“You live with a man···?”
"Yes, we just started living together before we knew it."
He's unnecessarily handsome, has a great sense of humor, and stays home alone until I get home, yet he's the one I can't see when I wake up in the morning. The one I lie on my mattress with every night, pouring out my heartfelt secrets to no one, yet whose name I don't even know. Even though I briefly explained him, Taehyung still looked flustered. I worried he'd think I was just a kid. Truthfully, I have no excuses for him because I really don't know who he is.
"It's strange. He acts like he knows everything about me, but I don't know anything about him... It's a little unfair."
“No, it’s not strange at all.”
"why?"
"Well... "
The conversation stopped. Conversations with him often have this kind of atmosphere. Even when we're talking more comfortably than anyone else, the moment I ask a question, the conversation stops. As if he's trying to hide something. Or, as if I don't know or perceive his thoughts. Strangely enough, the pendant I saw that morning kept lingering in my mind. What on earth could it be that leaves such a lasting impression on me?
"By the way, what is your name?"
"yes?"
"No matter how much I think about it, the pendant I saw earlier feels strangely familiar. I wonder if it's someone I know..."
His eyes shook violently. It was the same look he'd given me earlier when I'd asked about the pendant's origin. Now I could sense it. He was hiding something from me. I bit my lower lip, my expression filled with doubt, and he gently touched my lips, causing me to relax.
“Let’s talk later, shall we?”
“··· See you tomorrow.”
He stared at me with eyes filled with longing. But it was he who suggested we talk later, and it was he who averted his gaze and walked away first. I clearly thought we were in love. It's so hard to even hold someone's heart, so how much harder must love be for me, who already has nothing? My mind was racing with confusion. I squeezed my eyes shut and opened the front door, and there he was, standing there, as if he'd been waiting for me.
"Why are you so late? You should be home by 8 o'clock."
"Sorry. I need to talk to Taehyung for a moment..."
"How are things going with that person these days?"
"It seemed like things were going well, but just now... I don't know. I'll tell you before you go to bed."
A desk in one corner of the small room held several convenience store items. Even bags filled with oddly shaped snacks—I wonder where they got them? And the ever-present coffee candy. I was starting to get tired of the same old repertoire. I pulled up a chair and sat down at the desk, and he pulled one back to sit next to me.
"It's new. It's Jeonju Bibimbap."
"Where's the difference between new and old when it comes to triangle kimbap? And Jeonju bibimbap was released a few years ago, so what's new..."
"Oh, I see. It was a new product to me."
He was smiling so brightly that I couldn't even get angry. "Is it okay if I just laugh?" I said, taking a big bite of the triangle kimbap I'd just peeled off the plastic wrap. It felt like it'd been ages since I'd had Jeonju bibimbap triangle kimbap. I'd had it before... or had I? As my chewing slowed, a vague memory arose, he spoke again.
"But what about this guy named Taehyung?"
"huh?"
"I'm being nice to you?"
"He's so good to me. He takes me home, and whenever we make eye contact, he smiles... Whenever I see him, I wonder if this is love. I'm happy."
"thank god."
"what?"
"Just in so many ways. I feel like you're loved."
The man, hunched over his desk, looked at me and spoke. If you're going to say something like that, you should have looked at me with envious eyes. What's the point of being happy and sleeping when you look at me with such sad eyes? I have no idea where this man came from. The strangest thing is why I feel so familiar and comfortable with him, and why I didn't kick him out when he came into my house without my knowledge.
“Who the hell are you?”
"huh?"
"Why don't I feel any sense of incongruity when you suddenly appear in my life, a person whose name I don't even know, and who I am? I always wonder that. What on earth are you...?"
“Do you really have to talk about it now?”
He was still sullen. Seeing him so blissfully grinning to himself, I couldn't help but feel a pang of irritation. Only after I'd finished the coffee candy he'd given me did I begin to get ready for bed. I showered, brushed my teeth, washed my face, and made my bed. Even as I did all of this, he remained seated in his chair. He didn't touch anything, just sat there.
Every time the lights in the room went out, he'd come over and lie down next to me. And after that, we just talked for a long time. Most of it was about Taehyung, but we also talked about the library, the weather, and my pendant.
"When I asked what kind of pendant it was, he said it was his brother's keepsake. He said it was fine, but I saw his fingers tremble. I must have said something wrong..."
“······.”
“Hey, you asleep?”
“No. Just a thought.”
“What are you thinking?”
“I want to hold your hand, kiss you, go to a fancy restaurant, put a ring on you, and even get married. That’s the kind of thought I have.”
The moment I heard his words, my body felt like it had broken down, unable to move a single finger. What was this? It was like that mysterious feeling I'd felt earlier, when my eyes met Taehyung's. He smiled, barely holding back tears, and turned to face me.
And that day, for the first time, I heard his stories. His thoughts on me and my home. After talking for a while, he touched my closed eyes, as if he thought I was asleep. Honestly, I'm not sure if he even touched them. I couldn't feel anything. But I was sure he did, the movement confirmed it. He touched my eyelids and spoke the same words as yesterday, just a little longer.
“I want to see flowers.”
“······.“
“I’ll hold your hand too...”
”······.“
“I really want to love you for a long time, together, but I... Even though it was something I asked you to do and I did it because I wanted you to be happy, why do I keep..."
“······.”
“I’m jealous.”
As he continued, I could feel his throat tightening. He muttered incomprehensible words again and then stopped. It wasn't until a little after he'd fallen asleep that he finally opened his eyes. Why was he lying so cramped? Feeling sorry, I covered him with the thin blanket I'd been covering myself with. Then, shock struck. That was all. He couldn't be covered. No matter how many times I threw my punches at him, he wouldn't wake up. My hands and the blankets had all passed through his body.
"hey···."
”······?”
"Get out of here right now. My hands are shaking so much I can't even speak. Get out of my house right now."
“Why, no, why all of a sudden.”
"You... aren't human..."
His entire being shook at my words. His eyes were squinty, his fingertips trembling, but he hid them behind his back. He panicked but didn't actually leave the house, so I threw all my few belongings at him, telling him to leave immediately. Even those went through, leaving the floor littered with objects thrown haphazardly. "Please, get out," I pleaded, "I'm so scared of you." There was no reply. With tearful eyes, he stepped through the door without even opening it.
I sat in the middle of my messy house, staring blankly at my limp legs. Only then did I realize. He hadn't touched a thing even when I was busy, and why the fan hadn't touched my hair every night. The thought of spending all those nights like I wasn't even human sent a shiver down my spine. Sleep was impossible. I finally stayed up all night, eyes wide open, waiting for sunlight to filter through the cracks in the window before getting ready for work.
"You're not even human, so why do you always make me dinner and listen to my stories?" I bit my lower lip again, feeling a surge of emotion. And the silence. Like every morning, the quiet house without you was especially depressing today. So I couldn't help but cry. I didn't know who he was or why I was crying, but it was just instinct. It was truly a gloomy morning.
***
The still morning air hung around me. After all, so much had happened overnight that I couldn't come to my senses. As I was walking to the library, emotionless, I saw Taehyung. Despite his brisk pace, his face was etched with a sense of unease and awkwardness. However, I didn't have time to pay attention to his changes, so I bowed my head in greeting from afar and entered the library first. He, taken aback, hurriedly caught up with me and entered the library with me.
“Fortunately, it’s not raining today.”
"Yes, that's right."
“Looking at your face, you don’t look like you’ve been sleeping.”
As we were casually chatting about the weather, as usual, he noticed my appearance and stopped talking. He looked at me with a worried look, asking what had happened last night. But I didn't have time to notice him. My mind was full of him, and his eyes were still focused solely on me. Should I tell him about last night? I pondered it for a moment, and it seemed too much for me to shoulder alone, so I decided to tell him.
“There’s this guy I said I’d live with.”
"yes."
“It wasn’t human.”
When I jumped to conclusions without context, his face was filled with confusion. "Not human?" What do you mean? He even seemed to disbelieve me. So I explained everything. That the person I'd lived with, the one I'd spent my days with, wasn't human. That the person who might have been my love was barely enough to cover me with a blanket.
The man with the long, straight hair that never strayed was someone I didn't know his name or where he lived, but strangely enough, I couldn't kick him out. He had a sharp nose and a gentle voice, yet I couldn't even brush his fingertips with him. Taehyung listened to my descriptions of him one by one, then furrowed his eyebrows slightly. His eyes were very complicated. And then he opened his mouth.
"My older brother was an actor. Despite his love of acting, he wasn't well-known, so he spent most of his days wandering the streets. He practically lived at a convenience store and worked every kind of part-time job he could find."
”······.“
"And for a very long time, I hadn't seen my brother smile. I couldn't understand why he would sacrifice his life for that one dream of acting. But then one day, he started living as if every smile he had was plastered on his face."
"yes."
"Honestly, I was a little angry. Half of the money, dreams, and hopes my brother had poured into becoming an actor were mine. So for a while, I... hated him."
I nodded, listening to his long speech. He spoke with a slight smile, as if he were still there. He seemed to have matured in his past, when he had been immature and envious of his more accomplished brother. He clenched and unclenched his fists as he spoke, and I couldn't stop him. I grabbed his hand. His long fingers intertwined with mine. He seemed startled, but he tightened his grip and continued speaking.
"So I was curious. Who, or what, made you seem so happy? So one time, I went to your house on my own. Of course, you were delighted. You asked, 'What are you doing here?' Your house was too small to be called a house. Even the alley leading to it was narrow."
“Like my home?”
"That's the house. Where your brother lived. The place you and your brother were together."
The strength in my grip on his hand slipped away. My house was Taehyung's older brother's. Perhaps that's why he seemed surprised when I led him to that alley yesterday. He looked at me with unreadable eyes and said nothing. As if he was letting me figure out who that person was. But I've never lived with a man in that house. The only person I remember living with there... is him...
“Do you have a photo of the person Taehyung is talking about?”
“It’s on the pendant.”
He took a pendant from his bag and placed it in my hands. I swallowed dryly without realizing it and carefully opened it. On the left was a dried flower whose name I couldn't remember, and on the right was me... That person. Taehyung's older brother, and the person I'd been with until last night. My eyes flushed. A photo of his right cheek touching my left, a playful expression on his face. That was my lover. That person I'd sent away so coldly yesterday, my ex-lover. I bit my lower lip out of habit. Strangely, the moment I bit my lip, a memory flashed through me. It was as if a dam had burst, and the memories came flooding back.
“So I think I’ll probably make some money if I get into this project.”
"Really? That's good. I was already worried because the economy has been bad lately."
"But you're biting your lip again? I told you, that's a really bad habit. It's bad for your teeth and it'll chap your lips. Don't do it, seriously."
“Oh, I see. I’ve been paying attention ever since you mentioned it...”
"The unconscious is scary, isn't it? Anyway, when I get some money this time, I thought I'd take you out to see some flowers. The place you said you wanted to go last time."
“You want to go see the cherry blossoms? Really?”
“I think it’ll probably be around mid-spring when filming ends. What do you think? Good?”
“Of course. I like doing anything with you.”
"me too."
“······.”
“I like it too. Anything with you.”
Kim Seokjin. That person's name. It was as if the dam in my head had burst, countless memories flooding in. The days I'd spoken of my love, promised eternity, and embroidered happiness came flooding back, as if I were on the verge of death. I cried so sadly, as if I'd given my whole heart, that Taehyung simply hugged me tightly. It would be okay. He'd let go of my hand for a long time. He wrapped his arms around my head. The scent of wood still wafted from his hoodie. I buried my face in his chest and cried. If I could see you just one more time, if I could really do that, I'd give up the rest of my life. But then I remembered the words telling me not to bite my lip, and I couldn't even do it. I wanted to die.
"The day before you and your brother left for your trip, your brother came to see me. He said it was the money he'd earned from filming this project and handed me a bunch of cash. He told me I was a really good person and that thanks to you, his life had become happier. He showed me a picture of you and said he'd introduce me to you after his trip. He looked so happy."
“······.“
"So I see. Your face. I was wondering why you weren't at my brother's funeral, but it turns out your brother was in a car accident. You were in the hospital. Do you remember that day?"
Do you remember? Of course. Kim Seokjin's photoshoot was over, and he came home smiling brightly, saying he'd made money, and hugged me tightly. The very next day, we were on a bus heading to a cherry blossom festival, and we got into an accident. I saw a bus barreling toward me from the opposite direction through my right window. I was so focused on Kim Seokjin that I didn't notice it. But as soon as he saw me outside, he hugged me tightly and switched seats with me. He then hugged me so tightly that I couldn't see out the window.
"Hey, why are you like this...! This is a public place...!"
"love you."
Before I could even ask why the sudden confession of love was happening, a loud bang erupted. I remember the bus overturning, and the blood staining my hands as I held him, from the glass embedded in his back. Even in the smoking bus, even though every inch of my body was bleeding, he spoke to me. Because he protected me so resolutely, the only injuries I sustained were two small bruises and a few small pieces of glass embedded in my forehead.
“Seokjin, Seokjin. Seokjin, you’re bleeding too much…”
“I wanted to see flowers with you...”
His eyes closed. I clutched his cheek and cried, begging him not to die like this, not to abandon me, but he just smiled silently. I hugged his neck tightly. The warm scent of soap. Your scent, my favorite, mixed with the pungent scent of blood, creating a sickening aroma. I wanted to see the cherry blossoms with you, too. The air outside the overturned bus was still beautiful. Cherry blossoms were fluttering in the wind, and the sunlight was warm, just another ordinary spring day. And on such a beautiful day, I lost you.
"Can we go to that house? You never know, maybe Seokjin might be there..."
"You can go. Originally, neither you nor this pendant were mine."
"··· sorry."
"I remembered everything about you, yet I didn't say a word to you for three years. This love wasn't mine to begin with. That's why it's like that."
”······.“
"Go quickly. We'll be late."
I couldn't help but care. I don't know when my habit had taken over, but it was the way he bit his lower lip, the way his woodsy hood and his wavy hair blew slightly in the cool autumn breeze. But I couldn't stay here. I had to find Kim Seokjin. That was my karma, my duty. I pressed firmly to his still-bitten lower lip.
“I’ll be back soon.”
“Okay. I’ll wait.”
With those words, I left him behind and ran forward, staring blankly. Taehyung, who hadn't even listened to me, couldn't possibly have disappeared at my command, and now, I was worried, was already in the back of my mind. What must have been in his mind as he watched me turn my back on him? A fleeting thought slowed my pace. It was obvious, even without looking. I looked back for no reason. I gritted my teeth and turned back to face you.
“Should I stop, really?”
Not even knowing that he was still standing there crying.
***
In the distance, I could see the narrow alley leading to my house. I think there used to be a lot of graffiti there. When I became aware of the past, what was usually just an alley became a memory. Even as I ran, I looked around, trying to find the graffiti at the end of the alley. The graffiti that said, "My life's first and last actor, Kim Seok-jin," written in my own handwriting, and yours, "My love, my life, Kim Yeo-joo." My eyes, dry for so long, were moist again. Back then, as I crouched down and drew, we had clearly been together, but why was I sitting here alone now? I missed you so much.
I dusted myself off and stood up. Now was not the time to dwell on the past. I had to focus on the present. Before I knew it, I was at the door and grabbed the handle. Honestly, I was afraid to open the door. If I opened the door and you weren't there, I felt like my world would fall apart. I closed my eyes tightly, bit my lips, and leaned my head against the front door. I hated myself for who I was yesterday so much I couldn't bear it. I already had my grip on the handle and yanked the door open with a violent force.
”······.“
"··· Sorry. I told you not to come···"
“Seokjin.”
"huh?"
As soon as I opened the door, I saw you standing blankly in the middle of the room. I couldn't express how grateful and sorry I felt at the sight of you. However, that didn't seem to be your main concern. You looked worried and apologetic, wondering if I had shamelessly barged into your room after yelling and kicking you out yesterday. However, the moment I called your name, your expression contorted. The questioning expression and the wetness in your eyes made it seem like you were looking at me from earlier.
"Do you... remember my name? Since when...?"
"How much of a… why did you just listen to the whole thing when I was talking about Taehyung? I still fall apart like this just because of you, so why do you just listen?"
“You can’t possibly be me···.”
"Remember. Remember, you idiot. Are you happy you're going alone? I think I'd die without you."
The bitten lips resembled mine. If I thought about it a little more, I could recognize them all. How similar are the expressions you and I make when we face each other? What tore at my heart even more was your clothing. You were still in the same clothes from the accident. And I didn't doubt it, nor did I find it strange. You were my love, who could have entered my life without a second thought.
“I want to hug you.”
“You know, I can’t do it.”
“But you’re crying, and in front of me.”
"You're crying too. In front of me."
We smiled slightly, both finding each other's appearances both frustrating and amusing. My room was still cold and lonely, like an empty room, but you alone filled my world. I miss your scent. I miss your warmth, your hands, your embrace, everything about you. We just stared at each other, our hearts aching. We couldn't say anything, just staring. After a long moment of silence, he spoke first.
“Do you want to go see the flowers?”
“But it’s fall now...”
"Autumn is the second best season for flowers to bloom, after spring. There are cosmos, chrysanthemums, and so many other flowers that bloom in autumn."
“Could you please take out some chrysanthemums?”
"Anyway, I'm serious. Today is the last day..“
"What's the last one?"
"The day I could see you. So I was going to say goodbye and be kicked out, but you noticed me... I'm really worried you'll have a hard time after I'm gone. The doctor said you wouldn't remember because of the accident, but that's completely out of character, really."
I only realized it today, but I couldn't believe today was the last. Still unable to fix it, I bit my lip and let the tears fall. You, flustered, asked why I was crying again, and came over to me, wiping the tears from my cheeks. No, I tried to wipe them. His hand had passed through me, so it was useless.
“Are you going to see the flowers?...”
"Let's go, let's go anywhere."
As soon as I opened the front door, I searched for the nearest flower garden on my phone. I hailed a taxi to a place I knew little about, a place said to be filled with pine trees. I opened the door and got into the back seat, and you, without opening the door, sat in the back seat. I leaned my head against the window and reached out to you. Though I couldn't hold your hand, yours was intertwined with mine. Until we arrived, we kept our hands intertwined for a while, even though we couldn't hold each other. At least, it felt like holding hands.
“I wanted to see cherry blossoms with you.”
“Then you can stay with me until spring.”
"Okay. That'll work. I just need to be by your side."
”······.“
"That's difficult... That's difficult."
Buried among the pine blossoms, we shared a conversation. Not about Taehyung or the library, but about us. Small, insignificant stories like the first time you said you loved me, or how the doodles we wrote that day still linger. If I'd known you sooner, maybe our conversations wouldn't have been so one-sided. I still felt a lingering sense of regret.
"And, this may be a bit harsh, but you can leave me, lady. The fact that you're with me even though it's your work hours means you probably told Taehyung everything, right? I think Taehyung started taking care of you because he visited me the day before I died and asked me to take care of you."
"huh."
"He's really serious. At least that's what I hear you tell me every time. You see Taehyung's smile every day, even though I don't see it much myself."
”······.“
"That's love, heroine. You and Taehyung are in love now. I want you to love each other for a long time, and happily. Don't hold onto the dead."
“But···.”
"You know what I mean? I love you too. But let's stop here. Like I told Taehyung, I want to tell you too. Please take good care of Taehyung. He's a kid who's been hurt a lot and feels lonely a lot."
“······.”
“I really hope you are happy.”
It was filled with nothing but the truth, without a single lie, but it still felt repulsive to me. I know. That Taehyung and I are in love. But the moment I found out that Taehyung was your younger brother, I felt like I could no longer love him the way I used to. I tried not to close my eyes against the tears welling up in my eyes. I really wanted to stop crying now. Even on the way back from viewing the flowers, my heart was still in turmoil. Throw me away. I finally got you back today, and now throw me away. I thought it was selfish, but I couldn't say no because if I didn't, you'd be the one who would suffer. Worrying about me, who I'd never see again, would be the hardest thing for you.
As I got out of the taxi and arrived in front of your house, you called me. You offered to take me to the library, and I started toward it. Anyway, I thought, whether it was in the past or now, once you make a decision, you're determined to see it through to the end. I'm not ready to let you go yet, but you seem to have more than finished.
“Don’t you love me…?”
"of course."
"But you're already acting like you have no feelings for me anymore...? At least if we're in love, you can say you love me and like me for the rest of our time together."
"I wanted to do this every day. I wanted to stay at your house without a second thought, and I always wanted to love you. I know. If I continue to be by your side like this, nothing good will come of it."
"I just need you. Anything is fine with me as long as I'm with you..."
"me too."
“······.”
“I like it too, heroine.”
The more we talked, the more regret filled me. It felt strangely reminiscent of our previous conversation. I wish I'd known sooner. Then I wouldn't have had to send you away like this, and your decision wouldn't have reached this point. The deep abyss in your eyes pushed me away. Filled with the desire to force myself away. And so I was pushed away. It was an act of God.
After walking quietly for a while, I finally came into view of the library. I saw Taehyung sitting on the small steps in front of the library door, perhaps out for a breath of fresh air. Seeing him sigh twice for every blink, I became concerned again. And you, who was looking at me with worried eyes, looked even sadder. Perhaps it was a look of pride. You must have longed for me to know that I loved him, as you loved me.
“Go quickly.”
“Are you coming home today?”
"No. I told you before. Let's stop here. Now that you know, I can't stay by your side."
I know what you mean. That's why I couldn't hold on any longer. You have to see the end to start the next, and we've reached the end now. The sight of my bitten lips and the pitiful gaze staring at you left a lingering feeling. Kim Seokjin. Kim Seokjin, Kim Seokjin, Kim Seokjin. Even though I screamed your name over and over in my heart, you just looked at me. So deeply, so warmly.
“Thank you for saving my life that day.”
"You saved me first. I guess I'll just repay the favor."
“I you? When?”
"From the moment I first saw you until now. You're the savior who changed my miserable days. You're still 'My Love, My Life, Kim Yeo-ju.'"
"I wish Taehyung could see you too. I feel so sorry for you. I was so young and foolish that I hated you."
"I have so much of that girl. Neither heaven nor Taehyung would allow me to take it from you. I'd do anything as long as we're both happy."
The bright smile on your face felt like it was just yesterday. Yes, I think it's time to let you go. Of course, I held on today, but I need to let you go today. I don't even know how to say goodbye. Silence fell. After a while of wandering in my complicated mind, you spoke first. The words I heard every night, the words I would no longer hear.
“I want to see flowers.”
“······.“
“Holding hands with you, smiling, happily.”
"Me too. Me too..."
In the end, I cried again. You, flustered once again as I cried into your embrace, unable to hold you, tried to wipe my tears away, only to face reality again. I can't even imagine what it must be like for you to feel every fiber of my being, but I felt like I had to burst into tears now for you to realize my love. Even though I cried so hard that you burst into tears, your cheeks soaking wet.
"Then let's meet again when the cherry blossoms bloom."
"when···?"
"Anytime. I can wait."
”······.“
“Because there has never been a time when I didn’t love you.”
I want to be held in your arms. Please, let me be held in your arms. I want to hug your neck, feel your breath, your temperature, your scent. I cried and muttered desperately, but you couldn't do anything. You're already dead, and I'm still alive. That in itself is enough to tear my heart to pieces. When I didn't think of leaving you, he started to lead me towards Taehyung. He continued to walk in that direction, crying himself.
As we approached the library, I caught Taehyung's eye, who was sitting on the stairs, blankly gazing at the scenery. As soon as he saw me, he quickly descended the stairs and stood before me, wiping my tearful cheek with his sleeve. And as you watched, you instinctively took a step back.
"Why, why, what's going on? Can't you find it? Why are you crying like this..."
“Taehyung, Taehyung, I really...”
“······.”
Your eyes were a mixture of admiration, jealousy, and countless other emotions. When Kim Yeo-ju cried in front of me, I couldn't do anything. Not wiping her tears, not holding her in my arms, not patting her head and comforting her. And it was all happening right before my eyes. Any remaining regrets disappeared. I wanted to entrust Yeo-ju's future to Tae-hyung, who could do everything I wanted. I really wanted us to love together for a long time. Not you and me, but you and Tae-hyung.
“I’m going, lady.”
“Wait, wait a minute…!”
"I love you. Not just you and me, but you and Taehyung. Be happy together, in love. That's my wish."
"You'll wait for me, right...? We decided to go see the cherry blossoms together..."
"Of course. So, you can just relax and enjoy the rest of your life to the fullest. I'll be happy in a good place, too."
"I love you, Seokjin. I love you so much, so much."
"me too."
”······.“
"I love you too."
Maybe Taehyung thought I was crazy. Seriously, maybe I really am. But if this brings a beautiful ending to your relationship with Taehyung, then my passionate connection with him will also have a beautiful beginning. And so we will all be happy. I hope everyone is beautiful, everyone reaches their beginning and their end, and lives a life more brilliant than anything else.
“Was it your brother?”
"yes?"
“Those words you said earlier while looking into space. Was it you, hyung?”
"Yes. It was him. It's all over now."
“Then all that’s left is to get started.”
He spoke, gently tucking my hair, a mess from crying for a long time, behind my ear. "If there's an end, there's a beginning, and if there's a beginning, there's an end. Now, all that's left are the beginning and the end." I carefully embraced him, still filled with the scent of wood. "If I love, I'll do it with you." I did to Taehyung everything I'd wanted to do to Seokjin earlier. I hugged his neck, smelled his scent, felt his warmth. He held my hand tightly and led me to the library. I held his hand tightly in return.
And then I slowly turned my head and looked back. The empty street. The silence that proved you had truly left me. If we were to meet again, would we meet again on some strange and beautiful spring day when cherry blossoms fall? Let's do everything we wanted to do, kiss and say we love each other. Let's hold each other's hands and look at the pretty flowers and look back on our strange and beautiful lives.Let's meet again on that day when our times overlap, without a single dull moment.
Let's meet again on a day when flower rain falls.
𝑬𝒑𝒊𝒍𝒐𝒈𝒖𝒆
Solche Flower: Impossible love.