I fit my body between the holes on the moon's surface, which I cannot tell are the remains of a collision or a supernova. Surrendering to my own biological rhythm in the infinite time, where I cannot tell whether it is day or night, the universe within me draws to a close another day.
Eyes waking in space, unable to discern how many days or months have passed. My vision, acclimated to the darkness, gradually brightened, but there was one object that stood out among them.
It was the Earth.
It was an unknown place. A place I had left on my own, but a place that always maintained its blue light, no matter the circumstances. That was my Earth.
Maybe... I should say it's a little annoying?
The day I first left Earth, my world shattered in the most horrific way. The barriers wrapped in the name of faith were polluted, and the faith I held as humanity became a poisoned chalice, tormenting me endlessly. It wasn't a relationship that would end with me letting go, but a bond that I couldn't break no matter how hard I tried, suffocating me every day.
So I thought it would be easier if I forcibly cut it off, and sure enough... I knew it would be that way. The moment I stepped outside Earth, the moment I realized I was the only living, breathing being in the vast universe, the overwhelming loneliness that had washed over me washed over me again.
At first, it was definitely good. They say no news is good news, so I wanted to live an uncomplicated life, without having to listen to the noisy world, just going with the flow and stopping when it was time to stop. And I achieved that.
"How long are we going to live like this?"
"Don't you feel bad about your youth? Everyone else is jealous of it?"
"Please don't tell anyone you know me."
"......"
"....Fuck."
Words I heard on my planet. The subject was me, the speaker was a multitude, entangled by blood. It was such a suffocating place that with each breath I felt the oxygen I could inhale diminish. Do I have nothing I want to do? Do I have no thoughts?Is this how I live...?
When I was about to go crazy with all the negative thoughts, I made the escape I had been longing for. And then I was finally alone.
Like a hamster wheel, constantly turning, the world continued to run smoothly without me. Occasionally, I felt a yearning to return, but I didn't want to experience the pain of the past again, so I tried to push it aside. But perhaps it was the sense of doubt I felt back then that caused the thoughts I'd tried so hard to push back, and they began to creep back in.
In the vast universe, there is only the Earth and me. I thought I was such a great being, but I guess not you.
"...I'm lonely..."
Words I never thought I would admit to myself. The mere mention of loneliness brings tears to my eyes. I collapse on a mound of dirt and cry endlessly. Those tears will fall somewhere in the universe, becoming my traces, the remains and raw material of the person I've endured so far.
Time and space are vast. And they are equal. Whether we live in a state of apathy, letting go of everything, or we live so busy we can't even think about interacting with others, they ultimately offer the same conditions to everyone. How well we live them is entirely up to us.
I began to feel helpless again, living in a universe different from what I had imagined. What woke me up then, even when I think back, is a truly amazing experience.
"What kind of being do you think you are?"
A voice was heard in the darkness, someone, or is it someone? It was neither human nor alien, but something.
"...who are you?"
Perhaps because it had been so long since I'd spoken, even a short word choked me up, rendering my voice raspy and unable to utter properly. Something waited patiently for me to stop coughing. Truthfully, I couldn't even see what it was.
"Why are you here?"
"...because I hate people."
"In my opinion, you don't suit loneliness."
"...What do you mean?"
“Nothing will change if you just avoid it.”
"If you really want to break free, become a better person."
"If I had known that, would I have escaped?"
"Look carefully."
"The most precious things are invisible to the eyes."
"...What nonsense..."
It was a brief conversation, but the voice left a deep impression. A sense of bewilderment, like being struck in the gut, a small lingering discomfort. Was that why I couldn't sleep that night?
The real reason I left Earth, which I've always kept hidden, is the memory of that day, when I felt an unbearable shame at the pitiful fact that it wasn't the world abandoning me, but I had abandoned it of my own accord. That moment, when I couldn't even protect myself amidst the criticism, was so horrifying, and I was disgusted with myself for being able to do nothing but run away.
But now, something has changed, and I wonder if I can step into the world with a little more confidence than I did then. I don't know why. Perhaps it's because of that voice in the middle of the night, or perhaps it's my own capricious heart.
About a year after leaving Earth, the bird finally hatches from the tiny egg of space and prepares to return to the nest. One day, I will finally reach my true Earth, a day when I will greet it with a bright smile, a day that has changed from the past. I quietly anticipate that unchanging green. My Earth, my home, I hope it's not too late.
Please, stay there.