NamJoon
December 17, Year 21
I continued to slow down and finally I
I stopped. Dawn was breaking in a rural village where not even the
Buses passed frequently. The whole town
It was covered by the luminous snow that had fallen.
All night long. The trees were bent over, like
enormous white beasts and they threw snow like hairs
Every time the wind blew, I knew without looking back that
He was the only one leaving footprints in the snow-covered field. My
Their feet had been soaked for a long time because of the
cracked soles on my sneakers. I once heard a
He said that God makes us alone to guide us to
He.
1) But I was alone. I wasn't following any
This is a retreat. I was running away from myself.
My family arrived in this town last fall.
The amount of belongings we brought continued
decreasing each time we moved to a new one
city. Now we just needed a small van.
delivery to move. We weren't in a position to
We were demanding about the place where we lived. There was only one
A couple of conditions. One was a hospital for Dad and the
Another was an employer who was willing to hire
Someone without a high school diploma. The town
He had both. The bus that passed twice stopped.
opposite the county-run hospital, and a series
Small restaurants lined the creek behind
of the city. These restaurants sold stew and the
French fries were made with small fish caught in the stream, and the summer months were spent there in
peak season.
The crowds looking for an excursion along the
Water arrived from nearby cities, and the demand for
deliveries for those staying in the village with the area
The resting place in the mountain range was high. During
In winter, when the stream froze, the
Restaurants used canned fish caught
In summer. There weren't as many tourists as in summer, but
The calls for delivery driver jobs continued. I
He was one of the city's delivery drivers. Of course,
There was competition here too. Most of the
Households subsisted on agriculture and, as can be seen
Guess what, they weren't that rich. The delivery service was...
only part-time job available for children
of the city. The restaurant owners made us
compete against each other. "Isn't it natural to hire
"Who impresses me the most?" For them, it didn't matter
that we were minors and didn't have licenses
driving. The boys who had already been hired
They acted in a very territorial manner. There were only a few of them.
But they threatened me with a harsh hazing ritual. During the
During the holidays, the competition became fiercer. We did
errands on a voluntary and competitive basis and we get the
garbage for the owners. Their complicity only makes us...
It took him further. And yet, almost unexpectedly,
We even organized ourselves. We were rivals.
But we had a kind of sympathy for others. If
One of us didn't show up, the rest wondered.
What had happened? They reminded me of the time I spent in
that storage room in the high school classroom. Some of them were similar to YoonGi, and
Some to Jimin. I couldn't help but wonder. If my
School friends would have gathered here in this
As a people, we would have competed and tried to surpass ourselves.
between us. If I had known these delivery drivers
At school, we would have become friends.
It snowed a lot when our competition, our
territorial instincts and our strange feeling of
solidarity reached its peak. Then, the
The competition instantly gave way. A motorcycle
It was necessary to make deliveries to the town with the
rest area, but it was very dangerous to drive one.
light motorcycle along the mountain trail
covered in snow. The path leading to the village with
The rest area was steep and winding. The delivery to
Foot wasn't an option. In the end, it was a confrontation.
between Taehyung and me.
Taehyung was two years younger and lived in the
outside the village near the orchard. Taehyung wasn't his.
His real name was JongSik or JongHun. But I
He remembered Taehyung. He didn't have that silly smile anymore, nor did he...
She opened herself up to no one with her gentle and naive nature. Rather,
He always seemed aggressive, angry, and discontented. In the
From the outside, he looked similar to YoonGi, but, curiously,
He reminded me more of Taehyung.
Taehyung and I were the only ones who were close enough
too poor to take the risk and continue doing
deliveries to that snow-covered mountain village.
It was the same that day. When they called on the phone
Ordering another meal from the restaurant, I wandered along the creek. No one else had appeared when the report came in.
The weather forecast predicted heavy snowfall in the afternoon.
Taehyung appeared a few minutes later. Instead of
go into the restaurant and chat as usual,
He simply collapsed to the ground near the bridge and
He didn't move. It was one of those days. Those days when...
His face was cut and bruised. Those days in
that his eyes were bloodshot and his clothes
It was stained with blood. Did something bad happen to him?
Was someone hitting him? I didn't ask.
It started snowing while I was waiting for it to get ready.
The food. At the very moment I felt that something
The cold brushed against my neck, the snow began to fall thicker
and heavier. "Are you sure you'll be okay?"
The owner poked his head out. Taehyung stood up.
I jumped and turned my face towards him. "Of course!" Both of us
We answered simultaneously. "You never know how much..."
"More snow will fall from the sky," someone inside said.
restaurant. “It’s just started to decline. I’m coming back in a
minute." The owner looked at me with a look
doubtful. "But you're still not that good at driving the
motorcycle." Taehyung approached and said that he had
He has driven the motorcycle many times. The owner
She clicked her tongue when she saw his face. "No, not you today."
Go rest." I didn't miss my chance and jumped. "There are
"A first time for everything" Today is the first day I've done this
"A delivery in the snow. You know I'm very cautious."
The owner surrendered. "Come here. You'll have to do..."
"A few round trips, so be careful."
stream. No one else had appeared when the report came in.
The weather forecast predicted heavy snowfall in the afternoon.
Taehyung appeared a few minutes later. Instead of
go into the restaurant and chat as usual,
He simply collapsed to the ground near the bridge and
He didn't move. It was one of those days. Those days when...
His face was cut and bruised. Those days in
that his eyes were bloodshot and his clothes
It was stained with blood. Did something bad happen to him?
Was someone hitting him? I didn't ask.
It started snowing while I was waiting for it to get ready.
The food. At the very moment I felt something
The cold brushed against my neck, the snow began to fall thicker
and heavier. "Are you sure you'll be okay?"
The owner poked his head out. Taehyung stood up.
I jumped and turned my face towards him. "Of course!" Both of us
We answered simultaneously. "You never know how much..."
"More snow will fall from the sky," someone inside said.
restaurant. “It’s just started to decline. I’m coming back in a
minute." The owner looked at me with a look
doubtful. "But you're still not that good at driving the
motorcycle." Taehyung approached and said that he had
He has driven the motorcycle many times. The owner
She clicked her tongue when she saw his face. "No, not you today."
Go rest." I didn't miss my chance and jumped. "There are
"A first time for everything" Today is the first day I've done this
"A delivery in the snow. You know I'm very cautious."
The owner surrendered. "Come here. You'll have to do..."
"A few round trips, so be careful."
I could feel Taehyung's gaze following me.
He was behind me when I entered the restaurant.
It was hovering around me while I was packing the food.
She prepared it and put it in the container. It was strange.
Taehyung is generally too proud to
Act. This. When I looked at him, he took a step towards me like
If she had something to say, she then walked away again.
The owner kept bothering me about driving in
A snow-covered road. I pretended to listen.
I nodded enthusiastically. Driving a
The scooter wasn't something that required much attention.
skill or dexterity. Contrary to what I had thought,
It wasn't easy to climb the slope through gusts of wind.
snow on a motorcycle. The snow hadn't started to
to get stuck on the road, but my nerves were on edge.
because it flew in all directions in heavy flakes.
The decrepit scooter climbed the slope. It was as if the
The motorcycle was clinging to me. It was cold, but I was
I was dripping with sweat and all my muscles were tense.
The next minute, my sweat dried and I felt a chill.
on my back. I kept repeating a thought to myself. I have
I've gone up and down this road without any problems.
throughout autumn and until the beginning of winter. Furthermore,
The snow wasn't sticking and the road wasn't slippery.
The motorcycle slid helplessly into my path.
downwards during the third trip. It had just begun.
to gain confidence and thought he was good enough
Maneuvering the motorcycle on a snowy day. Like the snow
It had been falling for a while and the road had
Traffic was light, but it started to back up here and there. It was still fine in the middle of the road, and the
The slope wasn't that steep. So, as soon as
As that thought crossed my mind, the rear wheel
It slid outwards. Startled, I slammed on the brakes.
Strength. There was a thought that filled my head.
I think I remember the owner talking about the brakes.
warnings from the owner that he had heard
Little enthusiasm ran through my mind. The motorcycle
He seemed to regain control for a moment, but the
The wheels started to fishtail before I could leave.
to let out a sigh of relief.
With the next breath, they threw me onto the road.
I fell as if the motorcycle had thrown me so hard.
as best it could. The motorcycle slid down the road on its own.
herself and must have bumped into something. I heard a noise.
deaf. I jumped up. I couldn't afford to
I ran towards the...
The motorcycle was parked to one side, under a tree nearby.
right side of the road. It was covered with fallen leaves.
I picked it up to discover a deep, unmissable scratch.
at the bottom of her body. I put the key in and turned it.
But it didn't start.
Sweat trickled down the back of my neck. All my joints ached.
joints in my body. I was trapped by the
Fear. There was no way he could pay for the motorcycle.
I turned the key again, this time kicking the engine.
The engine seemed to vibrate and turn over, but died with the same...
Speed. I cursed under my breath, closed my eyes, and kicked the
I stand as firmly as I can.
My hand, which held the key, couldn't stop trembling.
The faces of my parents and my brother flashed before my eyes.
mind. I looked up at the sky and gathered all my ingenuity. I pressed
And I opened the grips. Then I turned the key. The engine finally started.
It started after several attempts. The motorcycle came to life.
sounding like the shrill sound of an animal
I was dying. I collapsed to the ground. I was drained.
The deep scratch was at eye level. I stood up.
I jumped up and rubbed it with the toe of my shoe. It was a
old motorcycle, already covered with numerous dents and
scratches. It could go unnoticed. When I put it on
Standing there, one of my ankles twitched in pain.
Only then did I begin to check my own
condition. Fortunately, there were no serious injuries.
There was a small cut above the ankle bone.
my left leg was bleeding. My thighs and...
waist the next morning, but she had been there.
Taehyung saw me park the motorcycle and go inside.
restaurant. Would he notice? I got nervous, but
I spoke with the owner as casually as possible.
The next delivery arrived soon. I had to leave.
again before I had warmed up.
"Hey..." Taehyung spoke to me as I approached the
Motorcycle. Did you see the scratch? I answered aloud.
deliberately. "What?" After some hesitation,
Taehyung continued, "I need to ask you a favor."
"A favor? What favor?" That's when my phone rang.
The phone rang. I raised my hand to silence it and answered. It was
Mom, Dad had tried to go out alone and fell. She told me
He asked me to take him to the hospital. I closed my eyes, the anger subsided.It rose from the deepest depths. I clenched my teeth. I could
I feel my discomfort slowly leaving my stomach.
The snowflakes, now noticeably larger,
They fell on my face.
I was going up and down that slippery path.
to gain almost nothing. The cut on my left ankle...
It hurt and my thighs were burning. But I was ready to...
To get that bike back on. It was the only way to win.
that little bit of money today. I could understand why he tried to
Walking alone. It was his pride as the leader of our team.
family and his attempt to maintain his dignity as a father.
But we couldn't afford such luxuries in the face of the
Poverty. Dignity, pride, a sense of justice.
And morality only led to a greater burden and more money.
to spend. When I opened my eyes, Taehyung was...
Looking at him. I handed him the key.
When Dad and I got off the hospital bus,
The sun had already set. The large snowflakes of
They had previously continued to grow and created heaps.
of snow. The bus skidded along. It took
twice the normal time to get to the hospital.
Back home. I walked carrying Dad in my arms.
back with no one in sight to hold an umbrella for
us. My hair was wet and my hands were drying it.
They claimed they were numb from the cold.
I took a break under a Zelkova tree.
Beyond the road, on the embankment. I held my breath and
I looked up. A panoramic view of the town unfolded before me.
I found it with my eyes. The snow-covered villageIt seemed calm and peaceful. Warm yellow lights...
They were seeping in through the windows of different houses here and there.
The smell of steaming rice and stew whetted my appetite.
When we entered the alley after crossing the
As we walked across the bridge, the dogs started barking. Although we had
I've lived in this town for several months, the dogs
They were still barking at me like I was a stranger. Mom got up.
when we entered. "He needs to receive treatment."
outpatient for at least three more days.” I put Dad
I went into her room and left. There were still no signs that
The snow stopped. "Why do they hate me so much? Leave me alone."
"To at least know the reason." I shouted at the barking dogs.
I found out about Taehyung's accident the next day.
When I passed by the restaurant along the creek, I saw the
The owner was talking to a police officer. I
I instinctively froze. I thought he had come for...
Me. I had damaged the motorcycle the day before. I could get involved.
in trouble for driving while underage and without
A driver's license. Should I race back home?
But the bus wouldn't come for hours. It simply...
It was not possible to flee with Dad in his condition.
"Did you hear that?" It was the owner of the other restaurant next door.
She said the accident happened when Taehyung
I was driving downhill after the delivery.
His body lay there for more than three hours.
until someone in a passing car found him.
A resident of the city with the rest area called
to the restaurant owner, but nobody came out to look for him.
Police officer said that TaeHyung was not a driver.
rated him. He also blamed him for not wearing a helmet.
I saw a helmet, which I had never seen before, placed on
The owner went on to say that...
He never forced Taehyung to go out and make deliveries, and even tried
to dissuade him. That was true. Taehyung and I had
insisted that we were fine with that. Everyone
Neighbors contributed. It was a small town where
Everyone knew everyone else. They had at least one memory.
or two about everyone present, whether it was a fight of
Fists, gossip, or betrayal. A series of events about
He emerged. He lived with his mother and sister and had no
dad.
Taehyung's mother writhed in pain in a
He sat on the bench across from the restaurant and groaned. Bring my son here.
Come back. Bring my poor son back. It's a death.
unfair... At first, the neighbors tried to calm her down and
They cried with her. But it was cold and the sun was setting.
early. At night, Taehyung's mother was
alone, and the smell of dinner wafted out.
windows as usual. Every time the wind blew
Snow was falling on the trees that lined the stream.
in clumps. She just sat there in the middle of it.
that.
I saw her sitting alone while I was taking Dad home from
hospital. Without realizing it, I stopped walking and remembered the
accident site. After hearing about
Taehyung had walked alone along the path. My
Her breath froze and fell to the ground like shards of glass.
Ice. The shape of Taehyung drawn in an outline.
The white line on the road was half-erased. I stopped.
her feet. The damp leaves swirled and the remainsThere was still some grayish calcium chloride left.
It could have been me lying there. If I had done that…
delivery, if it had been me instead of Taehyung,
So this would be my outline. It could have been my...
family, crying on that bench instead of the mother of
Taehyung.
I slowed my pace after Dad coughed.
violently. "NamJoon".
Dad called me when we were about to go inside.
in the alley after crossing the bridge. As soon as
As I slowed down, the dogs started barking.
Dad continued in a weak and frail voice. It was barely audible.
It was lost amidst the ferocious barking; I pretended not to notice.
having heard it. Another week passed. The town returned
quickly returned to normal. Taehyung's mother to
Sometimes she would cry bitterly from the restaurant, but
No one shared her pain. People rejected the sister.
from Taehyung until she took her away. He said it was just
a traffic accident. I started working at another job.
restaurant. In fact, they put me in charge of all the
Deliveries to the village and the rest of the area followed. A strong
It snowed, and the trail continued to freeze over and
Defrosting. Delivery orders are only being filtered.
Now, but nobody has requested to do the delivery work.
I made five or six deliveries a day, and my income
They increased a lot. I always made sure to wear a helmet.
and the protective equipment. I never took my eyes off the
I walk with every nerve alert.
Last night I made my last delivery. I didn't know it would be
last night, but it was. The rest area was closed for
The winter months anyway. When I went up there,
The people were gathered in the office. They seemed to be
discussing the facility's sales. I didn't recognize
Some of the faces. They must be strangers who have just...
to move. While she was leaving the food and taking the money,
One of them began to talk about the accident of
Taehyung. Another stranger clicked his tongue and
He mentioned how dangerous it was to ride a motorcycle in a
A snowy day. The strange man who was the first to...
Mentioning Taehyung's accident, he warned me that
I'll take more care. I thanked him for his concern.
For me. But I didn't mean that, if he was so
worried about the snow-covered slope and my
Safety, first of all, shouldn't have been the reason for asking.
food.
"Do you know what's really dangerous?" the stranger blurted out.
Just before closing the door behind me. "The chloride of
Calcium and wet leaves, not the snow itself. Unless
Even if you're a good driver, you'll skid if you hit them. Didn't it snow?
that day? Then, he must have…”. His last words were not
They were heard as the door closed. I crossed the area.
The rest area was empty and gloomy. I passed the narrow bar and the shop.
snack bar and specialty discount counter
I went to the shops and headed for the exit.
I went down the stairs one at a time. It was below freezing.
But I didn't feel that cold. The key kept slipping from my grasp.
I twisted my fingers and kept turning it in vain. I clenched and unclenched my fist.
The old motorcycle rattled like crazy and finally started. I slowly pulled out of the rest area. A post
The signal indicated the beginning of a curve in the area of
I rested. I made a right turn in a wide circle.
I ran down a short straight section and came to another curve that
It wound to the left. This was the place where
I slipped first, and then Taehyung had trouble.
I kept my eyes forward and quickly passed the
place.
I tried to convince myself that I didn't.
I was taking my eyes off the road to
To keep myself safe, but it was guilt. Guilt for surviving.
alone. Guilt for feeling relieved that I was the one who
He was still alive. Guilt for not being able to get ahead.
Blame for not speaking up to defend her abilities
driving and for not admitting that he had never seen a
helmet in the restaurant. Maybe I was a hypocrite who
He pretended to have a guilty conscience. He had scattered
the wet leaves in the place where TaeHyung fell.
I didn't want it to happen, but I was responsible for everything.
I was the one who had sprayed the chloride. With good
intentions, to prevent the road from freezing.
In fact, I did it myself because I truly believed that
I would make the next delivery and the one after that: "Do you know what it is?"
"Really dangerous?" What I had heard in the area
"He must have rested," the thought repeated in my mind.
drove over it and slipped." If he had removed the
leaves, if I hadn't sprayed calcium chloride, would there have been
Were they safe? Several people were already at the bus stop.
From the bus, waiting for the first bus of the day. I nodded.
I nodded my head in greeting and then kept it bowed. I tried not to make eye contact with anyone.
The first bus of the day appeared in sight. The bus
It gradually stopped. With my head bowed, I...
I boarded after the other passengers. I had no plan.
Specifically. I was just escaping. From the exhausted face.
From my mother. From my brother going down the wrong path.
From Dad's battle with his illness. From the fortune of
Our family is going downhill. My family...
It requires sacrifice and obedience on my part.
Of me trying to renounce my destiny. And, about
Everything stems from poverty. Poverty eats away at the heart of humanity.
Life. It becomes precious in something meaningful. It makes you
Giving up what you shouldn't give up makes you doubt.
to fear and despair.
Last night, I left the rest area and went down to the
I went to the restaurant and then went home. I don't remember who.
I knew, and what I said and thought in between. My body and my
Their minds felt numb and they couldn't tell if they were doing
wind, whether it was cold, what it smelled like, or who I met.
My brain seemed frozen; I moved mechanically.
like a zombie, oblivious to who I am, what I've done, it
What I'm doing and what I'm thinking. It was the barking of
the dogs that pulled me out of the alley mouth
takes me home. At that moment, all my senses, which
They had been paralyzed, they woke up immediately and
Countless scenes from my past unfolded before me.
My eyes: the days of jumping from one place to another, the moment
I slipped down the path, I crawled to the
I owned the restaurant and competed with the other guys.
to secure the delivery jobs.
The boys who laughed at me, and who look at me...
classmates in their school uniforms waiting for
bus. The sound of dogs barking and the sight of their
Menacing, hateful eyes were added to these
scenes. I almost shouted, "Stop! What do you want me to do?"
But I held back. Dad's voice sounded in my ears.
Dad's weak and fragile voice. I thought about what he had told me.
That night we returned home from the hospital... what
I pretended not to hear, but I heard clearly through
From the barking of the dogs. What one and the other had experienced
time since that day. What I had tried not to think about. "Go,
Namjoon. You must survive.
The bus departed, ready to arrive in Songju some time later.
hours later. I didn't leave a message when I left Songju.
A year ago. Now, I'm returning to the city without
prior notice.
I thought about my friends. I haven't kept to myself.
I had no contact with any of them. I wondered what they were doing.
doing what they were doing and if they were still there. I couldn't see outside.
through the frost-covered window. Little by little
I wrote on the window with my index finger. "I must
survive."