My name is Kang Yeo-ju.I feel like I'm in the prime of my life. 18... My life really feels like 18. I firmly believe that even if you put all the high school sophomores in the world together, I'd be the most impressive. Because I've truly lived in hell. (It's not just a place like hell.) I've thought about dying more than once or twice. Because I wish I could die, even if it's just in my dreams.
If you ask me why I never told anyone I was struggling, my answer would be a sigh. I once went to see the school counselor like crazy, called and texted counseling centers that showed up on Google Search, and even posted on anonymous message boards filled with people who weren't like me. But now I've given up. Instead, I'm thinking, "My destiny is a blessing."
“Class President! When are we due for our national history class?”
“Class president? I’ll have to collect the kids’ phones and take them to the teacher’s office.”
“That? Ask the class president.”
‘class monitorIt's no exaggeration to say that it's my second name. What's even funnier is that even at home, I'm not called by my name. It's a life that feels like being 18.
“Hey, you little punk! I told you to do the dishes!”
“Now you won’t even say hello to your mother, you damn bitch…”
“You don’t know the kindness that the twins have given you…!”
‘Twin labor year'This is my third name. Sometimes I think about it. 'Ssangnomu Nyeon' is my real name, followed by 'Banjang', and finally 'Kang Yeoju'.
Would it be a blessing if it ended here? What are those bruises on a high school girl's legs? Bruises... I'm already conscious of my appearance at a time when I can't even wear a skirt to hide the bruises. If anyone asks, I just laugh.
“Sigh…Fuck. I don’t want to go home.”
That day, as always, a drunk woman (of course, she's my mom, but I'm afraid to call her that, so I'll use the pronoun "woman") sent me a text full of typos. The content was even more questionable.
— Buy some soju beer, Sangnu-myeon-ah
In the midst of all this, I find it impressive that a woman can use soju and beer without any typos. (It's so refreshing.) She's already had her fill and now she tells Mija to buy her some drinks. I believe she understands how much of an 18-year-old I am living.
In dramas, tragic heroines have male protagonists, and in fairy tales, poor princesses have princes. Beside me, dying... there's nothing but a fucking bottle of alcohol. Oh, and a cigarette butt, too.
“Why were you born, Kang Yeo-ju… Really, search for it, search for it.”
I lay on the floor in front of my apartment, muttering to myself. Stars were scattered through the cracks in the ceiling, perhaps knowing my feelings or not.
I remembered what my grandmother had said to me when I was young, very young, when that woman (I'm sure you know who she is) was normal.
“Hey, Puppy. Everyone has their own star.”
“Grandma, do I have a star too?”
"Then! Our little pup will be the brightest star. Like that star over there."
most shining starI want to forget those foolish days when I lived my life thinking that star would soon be mine. The brightest star? Don't make me laugh. Maybe, really, maybe my star isn't there.
“Should I just run away…”
And then I don't know what happened. Maybe it was the wind blowing hard, or maybe I didn't want to go home, so I just fell asleep on the bed.
“Hey, hey! Hey, hey, he’s awake!”
“Where, where? Wow, is it real?”
“I thought you were frozen to death, but I wasn’t…”
“What do you mean, die? People don’t die easily.”
“It must have been really cold… If it were me, I wouldn’t have been able to sleep.”
"I admit it. It was below 10 degrees Celsius yesterday."
“Everyone, be quiet. This is really driving me crazy…”
What are these? They look roughly my age. What kind of kids are these seven hanging out together? They're a sight to behold. They're not even acting like they're swearing.
“Everyone get out… What’s this commotion as soon as I wake up?”
Was it because he found me so strangely unhesitating in a first-time encounter? Or was it because he thought I was deaf and was surprised when I wasn't? I don't know what it was, but that expression, like looking at a monkey at a zoo, made me want to punch him.
And that dirty encounter is ourFirst meetingIt was.
———
I'll be tinkering with Navillera whenever I'm bored. I won't be able to serialize it regularly, so for now, I'm going to focus my soul on First Love Again.😉