Stell Ajero’s Point of View
“Thank you, A’TIN!”
Another tiring event has come to an end. The smile I had been carrying since we stepped on stage immediately disappeared.
In the years I loved singing and dancing, I never thought I would reach the point where I would lose my appetite.
I lay down exhausted after returning to the five of us. No one spoke due to fatigue. Only Ken, who still had the energy to watch anime, spoke to us, “Aren't we going to eat?” he asked while putting on a change of clothes.
Justin was the one who answered,"I don't feel like eating anymore. Just get some cup noodles from the pantry."
"Song. I got a UTI in that group,"he joked which made us laugh a little. Josh threw his clothes at him,"You know a lot! Just put my clothes in the laundry."This order caused Ken to frown.
Ken slowly took off the shirt and then handed it to Josh, "I'll put you in the laundry."He whispered, which the elder ignored.
I closed my eyes and rested myself. I felt the weight of fatigue. This was our second event today. We had double, triple or more. And with so much going on, I don't know if I'm still doing this because I want to or because I'm just used to it.
I let out a deep sigh. I can feel the tears streaming down my face already so I wiped those as fast as I can. But no matter how many times I wiped away the tears that were falling, it seemed like they never stopped.
I don't even know why I'm crying. There's no reason to cry, right?
“Steve, are you okay?”
I looked at the person who spoke. Sejun, who was already next to me, turned to me. I instantly wiped my tears and chuckled,"This is nothing. It's just a drama."I apologized. The others also looked at us, as if they wanted to ask what was wrong.
Sejun smiled shyly and patted my shoulder,“Just when you're ready, we're here to listen.”
And having said that, I started to breakdown in front of them. But they didn't speak. They just hugged me. And because of that, I feel like I'm not alone.
The following days were a repeat of what happened. Practice, event, shoot, home, repeat. We barely had time to eat and rest. And as our work became more and more intense, I loosened my grip on the work I had to do every day.
"Wait, there were some wrong steps. Let's go from the top."Sejun said after a few hours of dancing for another choreography. My shoulders immediately slumped from exhaustion. I sat down on the studio floor and just bowed my head.
I felt Josh tapping me,“Dre, it’s happening again.”
“I don’t want to…”I said almost in a whisper.
But even so, it seemed like Sejun heard what I said because he immediately came over and bent down to meet me,"You don't want it anymore? What don't you want anymore, Stell?"
I closed my fist, “I don't like what we're doing, Sej.”My answer is straightforward.
"You don't want it anymore? How many years have we suffered for this, Stell, and then you suddenly say you don't want it anymore?"Sejun said in disbelief. I stood up straight and let him speak,"Why Stell? We've wanted this for so long! We've come a long way, Stell. Why are you letting go now?"He kept shouting.
“I'm so tired!”I shouted; my voice nearly cracking, “I'm so tired…”
I thought Sejun would be angry with me. I thought he would throw me out.
But no. He just pulled me in and hugged me.
I woke up to the noise around me. I slowly opened my eyes and saw four people doing their own things,“Stell, you’re awake.”Jah greeted with a smile while folding clothes,"Get up. We still have a long way to go. Just sleep in the car."
I squinted my eyes and looked at him,"Where are we going? I thought the event was this afternoon?"I immediately woke up,"Shocks! Is it already afternoon?" I asked in a panic.
Justin laughed, "Crazy, no. We canceled events for a week."
I looked at him in surprise,"Huh? So where are we going?"
Justin was about to speak but Sejun suddenly appeared and answered,“In the white house.”
Our trip was indeed long. I didn't know where Sejun was referring to with the white house but I just let it go because I was too sleepy to ask. I only woke up when Ken patted my head resting on his shoulder,“Dre, we’re here.”
As soon as we got out of the car, the white house that Sejun was referring to was revealed to me. It was just a small house in the middle of nowhere. It felt like we were in a remote province. I didn't even know which part of the Philippines they had taken me to.
The car left immediately after we unloaded our things. I approached Josh,"Just the five of us?"tanong ko rito. He just shrugged and picked up our bags.
The house is spacious. There are few furnishings and not many rooms. In fact, there is no room for us to sleep. Only the living room is separated as well as the small kitchen outside.
"Where will we sleep?"I asked Justin.
He gestured to the floor,"Here."
Sejun appeared with Ken carrying a large blanket and pillows. They laid it out and when it was all set, they told us,"Let's go to sleep first. I know you're all caught up in your sleep."
We didn't complain anymore because we were really sleepy. Sejun and Josh were in the middle of me while Ken and Justin were next to each other. I turned to Sejun to ask,"Why did we come here, Sej?"
He closed his eyes, probably attempting to sleep, and muttered, "Magpapahinga, Stell. Let's just say it's gonna be our home in this tiresome world we're living."
It was already afternoon when I woke up. I just saw Sejun preparing food. I immediately got up to help him because the three of them were still asleep,"What are you cooking?"
He grinned, "Sinigang. Our favorite."
I immediately smiled and then smelled what she was cooking. I just watched her silently as she mixed the ingredients.
He started talking, "Remember, we're just trainees, and every week, we can't go without sinigang, even for one day of training."he said laughing.
I also laughed when I remembered,"Yes! And Ken, he's afraid to cook for us because he doesn't know how to."
Then he sighed, "I miss you. It's been a while since we last got together that wasn't because of work."
I hummed in response,"That's right. I miss it. Too much."
We were silent for a few minutes. But after a while, Sejun also spoke,"Stell, do you really not want it anymore?"
The answer to his question was only yes or no. But I couldn't seem to open my mouth to answer.
The things we did in the white house were refreshing. It was like we were back at the beginning. It reminded me of the beginning.
How simple, quiet and peaceful our lives were before people knew us.
I got what I wanted. But it still doesn't seem like enough. It feels like something is missing.
"We're thinking deeply, aren't we?"
I turned around to see who had spoken. It was Sejun. He smiled at me and handed me another cup of coffee. I mumbled a small thanks.
In sight,"Wala 'to."
We were just outside the house drinking coffee. He didn't ask me again but he didn't leave me alone either.
"Sejun,"I said at the beginning,"Have you felt this too? Getting tired? Getting bored?"
He sipped on his coffee before answering, "Of course. A lot of times actually," Then a minute of silence enveloped us before he added, "It's boring to write. It's boring to play. It's boring to dance. It's boring to sing."
"You know that feeling of losing interest in something you've always dreamed of?"he asked back to me which I immediately nodded. He chuckled and took another sip,"That's what I felt. And I'd be a hypocrite if I said I don't feel it now. Because I do. To this day, I still feel it from time to time."
I frowned, "Then, what keeps you going, Sej? If you're losing your appetite, shouldn't you just stop?" I asked, my voice shaking,"Because Sej, I really don't know."
"Look at this house, Stell."Sejun said while looking at the white house,"It's been here for a long time but it still hasn't been broken down. It still hasn't been removed. Do you know why?"
I looked at him in surprise. I still couldn't get what he was trying to convey. He just shook his head and smiled. He took a sip of his coffee and said,"Because this house, home is here too. That's why it will only stay here."
He was just about to leave when he tapped me on the shoulder,"We will get tired many times, Stell. Many times we will think about giving up. Many times we will try to break,"he promised,"But whenever those times come, think about where your home is. Think about where you will stay."
It was as if Sejun's words had come to my mind. Until I fell asleep, the words he said didn't leave me alone.
Where will I stay? Where will I feel like I have a home?
I look back on the days when I was starting out. I look back on the times when I was lost.
And at the same time, I looked at my companions sleeping peacefully. It reminded me of why we started. I remembered why we continued in the midst of nothingness.
Not just because of money, fame or any other reason.
Because like a white house, when I perform I feel happy. When I sing and dance I feel alive.
With A'TIN, with the group, and with those around me, I felt safe.
I am with them.happy.
And no matter what happens, we are still here to stay.
"Wake up!"
I heard the four people complaining about my shouting,"What's wrong, Stell? You're making so much noise!"Josh, who had just woken up, shouted. He pulled the blanket over him and then tried to go back to sleep.
I laughed softly and then forcibly removed her veil,"Hey, Josh, don't go to sleep. We're going back to Manila. There's something waiting for us."
Its forehead is wrinkled,"But?"
I smiled, "Our home is waiting,"I answered, which surprised him,"A'TIN is waiting."
Because no matter how difficult or tiring it may be, we will always return to where we are complete.
We will still return to our true home.