Drops of light
18_Not okay #fact
[Yerin's point of view]
Sometimes, as I endure each day, I have questions.
Will all people live miserably and desperately?
Are all people afraid and hate opening their eyes?
I ask myself one question.
Am I living life or am I enduring it?
I couldn't answer him.
I just ran as time went by, as I could breathe, and this is how it turned out.
But one thing, I'm probably not "living life".
I don't want to breathe, I'm afraid to open my eyes,
Who would call this "living"?
Because if I breathe, my life is not over yet,
Because it means I have to run again,
My legs were already about to give out, and sweat was soaking through my entire body.
Because it means that you can't stop and have to keep running
I hate breathing so much.
Open your eyes?
When I open my eyes, the morning sunlight, which is different from mine, greets me again.
Again, contrary to my wishes, my eyes capture the morning sunlight.
Even on nights when I can be alone, I like it
Streetlights, stars and moonlight twinkle.
Streetlights, starlight, moonlight.
Until the night that holds them.
Everyone is shining, but I, I alone am dark.
It is so dark for me to meet a bright morning
It's like a sunflower looking at the moon.
It will never happen, it shouldn't happen, and it doesn't need to happen.
But the fact that I have to endure that time is just painful.
When I close my eyes, everything goes dark.
Enter into the unconscious.
I wish it would just stop.
So that I can never open my eyes again,
Never regain consciousness again
And I just want to stop breathing and disappear quietly and painlessly.
If it's painful until the moment it disappears, I think it'll be too unfair.
It was already painful enough, so I hope the end won't be painful.
I want to disappear quietly, painlessly, without any fuss.
It's scary to open your mind's eye and see the world.
What I mean is, it's scary to face the cruelty of the world.
Even with my eyes closed, I can feel their cold chill
When I open my eyes, I know that it will only make me more miserable and lonely.
Because I can predict it even with my eyes closed
scary.
When I open my eyes, I have to face more cruel and cold-hearted people.
Because it was so scary and frightening,
I hate opening my eyes so much.
To look with any eyes open,
Any breath that is exhaled through the tip of the nose,
I really thought it could be more miserable than anything else.
정예린
...ha -
The sun and sky, so bright and clear, surround me.
Contrary to them, I show a negative reaction and sigh.
Today, the exhaled breath and the raised eyelids as if nothing happened tell me that I have to endure this day one more time.
I have no choice but to follow such unpleasant notifications.
I just sigh and prepare for another day.
Wake up in the morning, wash up, and put on your school uniform.
Before opening the door and facing the person, take a short breath.
정예린
Phew -
As soon as I opened the door, he smiled brightly and sat down at the table.
I leave the front door a little later.
This is how my day starts.
It's not a big deal, but it's important to start with a smile and pretend that everything is okay.
It's so absurd and tiring.
On the way up to school.
Put your earphones in and select a song from your playlist.
I'm walking alone, without even the slightest expectation that someone will tap me on the shoulder and join me on this path.
Naturally, I have a blank expression.
Then, when I see the teacher standing in front of the school gate,
정예린
Hello~~ㅎㅎ
He greeted me with a smile as if he didn't know what a blank expression was.
When I turn my back to the teacher, I reveal my expressionless face again.
Arrive in front of the classroom.
Before opening the door, take a short breath as if you were starting out.
Today, like yesterday
It means pretending to be happy and smiling.
Druk -
He enters the classroom, pretending to have arrived unintentionally.
The ones who welcome me are my classmates, especially the ones who hang out with me
김예원
Hi Yenny~~
Yewon,
황은비
Are you here??
Eunbi,
김소정
Come quickly~!
Sojeong,
정은비
Yenny, you came quite early today too haha
Eunbi,
최유나
My girlfriend is sharing a photocard. Come quickly!
Yuna.
정예린
Wow, sharing a Poka!? Wow, I love you, unnie!
Of course I want to have it, but I don't like it this much.
If it's just "me",
정예린
Oh really? What kind of things do you have?
I would have asked calmly,
People don't see me as this kind of person.
So I have to exaggerate my love and be happy.
That's all "pretend" though.
정은비
Hey, there are 5 minutes left in the meeting.
When I hear that there are 5 minutes left, I go back to my seat early.
And I look at the five people in front of me laughing and chatting.
Because Yuna was sitting close to me, I felt even more alienated for some reason.
Wherever I go, no one even looks at me.
I'm not that active and good-natured.
He was timid and easily lonely, so he felt happy and sad even with small actions.
When you chat on messenger, you send "ㅋ".
Even that one word felt like a mockery to me, but then again, he was only saying it to me,
So I feel more alienated and exhausted.
I don't know if you know it or not.
*
It was around the middle of the third period.
My head suddenly starts to hurt.
If I stand up, I feel like I'll stumble at any moment.
The classroom and the children were swaying left and right before my eyes,
Even at that moment, I lowered my head and made a face to pretend that nothing had happened.
Then he closed his eyes with a frown.
A few seconds later, I was still dizzy and the classroom was still shaking.
I was able to pretend that things were a little okay.
I was listening to the class, pretending like nothing happened.
It seemed to be getting a little better, but soon my vision started to blur even more.
My vision became blurry.
I could see quite a bit of what was close by, but I couldn't see the monitor or blackboard I usually saw.
Because of that, I had to spend the rest of the class frowning.
김세정
....Yerin, where does it hurt?
My best friend Sejeong asked me.
Where does it hurt?
It hurt.
It hurt like crazy.
I didn't think I could even go to the infirmary in this condition.
but,
정예린
No, it doesn't hurt, it's okay
I was lying again, hiding the truth.
김세정
Yeah... If you feel sick, let me know and I'll go to the infirmary with you.
정예린
Yeah haha thank you
I appreciate your concern, but because of the way I've lived up until now, I couldn't accept it and just pushed it away.
Time is passing by.
As time passed, the classroom shook more and more.
I was suffering from it and was in pain, but I couldn't show it.
It was getting more and more painful.
Following my forehead, my eyes also began to feel hot.
The hot air is slowly spreading throughout my body.
Because of that, I gradually became more and more tired
I got to the point where I was gasping for breath.
정예린
Haa.... haa.. heh..ha.....
Fortunately, no one seemed to hear.
Just as the sound of impatient breathing was growing louder, the paper rang.
As soon as the teacher left, I started preparing for the next class, math.
I quickly grabbed my math books, notebooks, files, and pencil case.
The five of them entered the math classroom without even having time to think.
Some students you see as you enter.
The class before that was math, so the kids who hadn't left yet were mixed in with the kids in my class.
Deciding that I couldn't feel even the slightest bit of pain here, I headed to the bathroom.
After rushing into the compartment, I was finally able to enjoy some of the hardship to my heart's content.
정예린
Huh.... huh... haa....
정예린
Huh...oh my...
I placed my hands, which were quite warm because they were buried inside the padding, against my eyes.
My hands were already warm, but they quickly became even hotter.
정예린
Huh.....
I was leaning against the bathroom wall, half-asleep.
At that moment, the bell rang to signal the start of class, and I moved to the math classroom.
Luckily, the math teacher hadn't arrived yet.
I sat down quietly, opened my textbook, and that's how the class began.
*
Math class had just started.
My vision was blurrier than before.
Since I was watching a video with content that wasn't particularly important, I closed my eyes tightly like before and opened them again.
Still, I was losing strength as the pain did not go away at all.
Around the middle of the class.
Eventually, water began to well up in my eyes.
I think the biggest thing was that I had to solve it before the tears started to flow and before anyone saw it.
He lowered his head and used his index finger to collect the drops of water on his eyelashes.
And I wiped away the tears that were welling up in my eyes.
정예린
Phew....
He let out a long, shallow breath so loud that no one could hear.
I barely managed to get through the 4th period.
정은비
Yenny! Why did you leave us behind? -3-
최유나
You came in after ringing the bell, where were you??
정예린
Huh?? Bathroomㅋㅋㅋ
김소정
Aha..kekekekekeke
I somehow managed to get through the situation, but I was in a condition where I couldn't eat any food.
황은비
Let's go eat, Yenny
So to the kids who come and say let's go eat
정예린
Ah... I'm not feeling well today... Sorry
He said and pushed it away.
김예원
Oh really??ㅜㅜ I can't eat even a little bit?
정예린
Yeah... I'm a little nervous... You guys are eating together today
김소정
Yeah...ㅜㅜ Don't get sickㅠ
The kids were worried and then left the classroom.
Only me and silence remained in the classroom.
정예린
Ugh... huh...
The pain began to rise even more.
It's already lunchtime, so the health teacher must have gone to eat.
I wasn't even in a condition to go to the infirmary alone.
So I just lay down on my desk and tried to swallow the tears that were threatening to fall.
If you cry, the kids will notice.
Of course I won't tell my parents.
I knew he would be stingy with the money, and I knew I would be hurt by it.
I didn't want to get hurt by showing my pain for no reason.
I thought it would just get better with time, so I left it to time and complained about the pain.
I'm in so much pain, I'm going crazy, and I suddenly feel sad that there's no one I can tell about my pain.
If I let people know that I'm not okay, they'll creep into my line and expose everything.
And then they say something comforting and go out and brag about it.
"Cheer up," he says, leaving behind words that offer neither sympathy nor comfort.
Without even knowing it, he goes around interpreting my terrible wounds as he pleases.
I told you not to come, I told you not to come in, but you insist on coming in and making me even more miserable.
That's why I don't trust people, and why I stay one or two steps behind others.
If Ari, Sojeong, Eunbi, Yuna, Eunbi, and Yewon all drift apart here.
I really felt like I was going to spend the rest of my time scared and going crazy.
Maybe I was slowly going crazy.
Because people started to get scared
It wasn't just that I was scared, I was starting to be afraid of facing people.
It felt so sad and painful to realize that I was gradually becoming worse and worse.
are you okay?
are you okay.
Actually... I'm not okay at all...
[18_Not Okay #Truth]