Dare not Hate
: I can't dare hate you
People often say that flowers that bloom briefly and then fall are beautiful. Like cherry blossoms that bloom for a short time and then flutter, or lilacs that disappear in an instant, leaving behind only a lingering scent. I've experienced a love like theirs. When I was eighteen, he came to me with a devastating first love. He wasn't like cherry blossoms that vanished without a trace as soon as their petals fell. Rather, he was closer to lilacs, whose lingering scent lingered even after they withered, making my nose tingle. It makes me chuckle at how heartbreaking and specific the love of a high school brat is. What's so beautiful about a first love that ended without even a single confession? Even when I remember days of crying in sorrow, I still feel a pang of longing when I think of him, which makes me laugh. I believe that everyone has some form of frozen first love. That's why everyone...They say first love is unforgettable. So what I'm saying is...
“… Miss, I thought about it again.”
I couldn't help but think of her. I thought it was the aftereffects of first love that everyone experiences. It's been over five years since we lost contact, and now, in our mid-twenties, the odds of us ever meeting again are close to zero.
Dare not Hate
: I can't dare hate you
“You… what are you? Why are you in front of me?”
“……“
“No, but rather, is that you, Choi Yeonjun…?”
I wanted to punch myself for coming out first, complaining about the discomfort of not being able to sit through the whole thing and drink like usual. If I'd known this would happen, I would've just endured it, even if it made me nauseous and upset. The dirty stares of my friends and the men among them felt like bugs crawling up my skin. I barely held back the nausea, grabbed my bag, and hurried out of the bar, but they said the day I went was market day. I was just walking down the street, closing my eyes for a moment and feeling a pleasant tingling sensation, when suddenly the scent of lilacs hit me. The moment I opened my eyes, furrowing my brow,It seemed like a lie, but you, who had grown so much, were in front of me.
Actually, it's surprising how quickly I recognized him. The Choi Yeonjun I remember clearly looked like he was around eighteen or nineteen. I have no idea what he looked like as an adult. Nevertheless, my eyes widened because his current appearance wasn't much different from his high school days. Choi Yeonjun had grown a bit taller since high school, and his baby fat had vanished, giving him a sharper jawline. Ah, he seemed to have matured overall. Before I knew it, my eyes were filled with Choi Yeonjun in his mid-twenties. It felt strange. Perhaps it was because something so improbable was actually happening.
"If not me, who else? Are you really surprised?"
“……“
“It’s been so long.”
Choi Yeonjun smiles. The smile I used to love so much overlapped with the one standing before me. His eyes were tightly closed, his lips slightly parted, the corners of his mouth turned up. Even as an adult, his smile remained the same. My nose felt numb, and my heart ached. Tears threatened to burst at any moment, so I slowly raised my head once, then put it back down.After Choi Yeonjun disappeared, I often imagined things like this: what it would be like if we ever met again, what I would say and how I would react. Each time, I pictured tens of thousands of scenarios in my head. Sometimes I pretended not to notice, sometimes I resented him, and sometimes I laughed. But none of those situations were quite like this. Perhaps it was because I was a little drunk? I collapsed, covered my face, and burst into tears.
“What are you? Seriously!”
“Why are you crying?”
“I don’t know… it’s just, it’s just a little weird.”
“You really are still the same.”
Step, step, step. The sound of footsteps is getting closer. I have a feeling it's Choi Yeonjun.
“Do you still want to cry on the street after eating at the age of twenty-six?”
“It’s all because of who…”
“Huh, me again?”
Of course. What would I have to cry about if it weren't for me? Seeing him ask again, Choi Yeonjun must remember that incident too. Actually, this wasn't the first time I'd cried in front of him. Maybe seven years ago? At eighteen, I sat down on the street and cried just like I do now. The reason was Choi Yeonjun. It's a little sad, but Choi Yeonjun's first love wasn't me. Well, it might be my first love, but it might not be me for him. I'm old enough now to understand, but I wasn't like that high school kid who experienced everything for the first time. I bumped into Choi Yeonjun on my way home from school, fell to the ground, and used that as an excuse to cry my eyes out. You comforted me then, and you do the same today. The tears had long since dried, and with a faint smile on your face, you reached out your hand. Choi Yeonjun's hand was still large and warm. The familiarity I felt after so long brought tears to my eyes once again.
“Let’s take a walk. Let’s catch up on things we haven’t finished talking about.”
"… okay."
It was Choi Yeonjun who wanted to walk. It was I who actually did the talking. We walked along the path at a pace that felt a little slow, and there was no time to stop talking. It started with, "How have you been?" and continued with, "How have you been?" and "Do you remember this time?" The path I walked every day was clearly a mundane one. Flowers and grass bloomed profusely, as if to signal spring, streetlights scattered here and there, a few people passing by. The path, unchanged since yesterday, felt special because of Choi Yeonjun alone. Perhaps I still love this specialness… My feet, which had been moving diligently, stopped when we reached the end of the path. A streetlight glowed overhead, and a breeze blew gently. Through his fluttering hair, I could see Choi Yeonjun's subtle expression.
“Why are you here?”
“Um, just?”
“…From here in the US?”
"huh."
“You are a strange person too.”
I chuckled. Who in the world would just come to Korea from America? As I let out a breathless laugh, Choi Yeonjun abruptly turned around and stood in front of me. "Can I ask you something?" I nodded several times, telling him to speak comfortably.
“I was really looking forward to hearing from you back then.”
“……”
"I thought we were pretty close, though. You're so mean. How can you only read my messages and never reply?"
Choi Yeonjun has become serious before we knew it.
“What was the reason?”
I knew right away. Which day Choi Yeonjun was referring to? I stared into space, then at some point, bit my lip.
Choi Yeonjun said so. He'd been living in California since he was young, but he didn't want to spend his entire teenage years there. Wanting to at least attend high school in Korea, Choi Yeonjun came to Korea alone in the spring of his seventeenth year, and in the fall of his nineteenth year, he had to board a plane back to the States. I knew all this. Before he left, Choi Yeonjun sent me a KakaoTalk message: "I'm leaving for the States tomorrow. I don't know when I'll be back in Korea." That was exactly what Choi Yeonjun meant. True to his word, I was the one who read the message and didn't reply. If I were to make excuses, I couldn't pretend like everything was okay and bid him farewell, because the tears wouldn't stop flowing, and I couldn't tell him not to go because it was already a given. But confessing was too damn scary. I didn't reply. I couldn't. If I'd known all contact would be lost after that. If I'd known that would be our last, I wouldn't have done it. I would have at least poured my heart out once. If I had, I wouldn't have suffered the aftereffects of first love for the rest of my life. In fact, Choi Yeonjun is unable to answer and only a bitter smile appears on his face.
"… sorry."
It was all my karma that turned out like this.
“No, not that.”
“……“
“… You really are an idiot.”
Maybe Choi Yeonjun knew everything. That I liked him, and that that was why I hadn't replied. Now Choi Yeonjun was biting his lip. It was a sign that something wasn't right. I have no desire to do anything anymore, because everything is my karma. Even if the odds of us meeting again were close to zero, Choi Yeonjun would disappear anyway. I'm making the same choices I made when I was immature. I liked you. And I still do. Maybe after today, I'll like you even more, or maybe I'll regret today a lot. But what can I do? There's no one in this world who isn't afraid of their first love.
“…I had a few drinks today. Do you have a place to stay in Korea?”
"uh."
"It was nice to see you after so long. I hope you're doing well and heading back to the States. It was nice to see you. I'm serious."
These were the only few words I'd properly conveyed to Choi Yeonjun during our conversations so far. With the arrogant thought that if I tucked away the unspoken truth, it would eventually be forgotten, I curled the corners of my mouth and held out a hand to Choi Yeonjun. It was the best defense and courage I could offer myself, and that was the end.
Choi Yeonjun just stares at my hand, never taking it. What on earth is he thinking? I, too, watch him intently, and his gaze drifts from my hand to my shoulder, chin, nose, and finally, our eyes meet. At that moment, I unconsciously hold my breath. I don't know why. Was his eyes sad? Was they filled with so much emotion? It's a complex and nuanced feeling that I can't quite put my finger on.
Then, at Choi Yeonjun's words that suddenly came out, the hand that had been outstretched found its place and the eyes became wide as they had been a few hours ago.
“I lied to you.”
"uh?"
"Who would just come from the US to Korea, and do it in a fourteen-hour plane ride?"
"Right?! You were so weird when I heard you earlier."
“Aren’t you curious?”
“If you’re curious, I’ll tell you, right?”
“Because I miss you,”
I blink my eyes slowly, wondering what he meant. Choi Yeonjun bends down with the corners of his mouth slightly raised and meets my eyes.
“I thought I should forget you as time goes by, but instead of forgetting you, I keep thinking about you more and more.”
My brow furrowed. So, the reason Choi Yeonjun took a fourteen-hour flight here is because of me…? Ugh, that's ridiculous. Choi Yeonjun didn't seem to know what he was talking about. Otherwise, how could he say something like that to me… Oh, surely Choi Yeonjun… No, but to me? No matter how many times I think about it, I can't come up with an answer.
"At first, I thought it was just love. But no matter how much I think about it, it just feels weird. I should feel resentment or hatred towards you first, but that's not the case."
"hey,"
"Let's exaggerate a bit and say I asked every single person I passed. They all said I was lovesick."
“You? Because of me? No, why on earth…!”
"well,"
Choi Yeonjun straightens his back, which had been bent.
“I guess I liked it without realizing it.”
“……”
I need to say something, but for some reason, nothing comes out.
Choi Yeonjun chuckled, watching me, who didn't know what to do, unable to even meet his eyes. Well, he was the one who confessed, but it was funny how I was the one making a fuss. I cautiously glanced at Choi Yeonjun. Only then did I notice his redder ears and his restless hands, and it dawned on me. Ah, he's serious. At some point, the only sound I could hear was my own heartbeat. My body froze at the distinctly different beat, and I clutched the hem of my shirt, worried Choi Yeonjun might hear. I was screwed. I hadn't even the slightest desire to do anything now...
“It’s still like that.”
“……”
“I know it’s really uncool to do this now that it’s all over, but,”
Choi Yeonjun's eyes are filled only with me.
“I think I like you more than you think.”
The saying that human greed is endless comes to mind. I wanted to keep seeing Choi Yeonjun, whose ears were red and his neck was now flushed red. Ah, this shouldn't be happening. Hearing his confession after so long was maddeningly sweet. It was so sweet, tears welled up in my eyes.
“You’re going to be ugly tomorrow.”
“… No.”
Tears welled up again, covering my face with no sign of stopping. I don't know why, but my heart was surging, almost ready to burst.
“Why do you keep crying-.Should I just go back to America?
“Hey!”
"Just kidding, I'm not going to America anymore. I graduated from college and I plan to stay by your side."
I burst into tears at the thought of him going to America. Then, I burst into tears again at the thought of him staying by my side. As tears streamed down my cheeks, Choi Yeonjun wiped them away one by one with his thumb. Then he gave me a soft kiss on the lips, and finally, he smiled prettily at me. I found Choi Yeonjun annoying, and I grumbled for no reason before quickly embracing him, holding my breath and letting it out.
“You’re really annoying…”
Still, I was quietly in Choi Yeonjun's arms. The more I burrowed into his embrace, the tighter he held me. It felt like I was suffocating, but we didn't let go of each other. Eventually, without a word, we burst into laughter, and the laughter spread, lingering for quite some time.
My first love, which was foolish and stupid, had a happy ending.