People often struggle to convey their kind hearts. They hesitate to express their feelings to those they love or admire, while pouring out their full emotions to those they hate. Yet, the world remains warm and beautiful, so we carefully store our good feelings, cover them with beautiful words, and send them to someone with the word "letter." Sometimes, negative feelings exist among them, but the end result is always brilliant. She, who conveys her feelings to others every day, has long held a sense of mission in her work. And she was immensely proud of meeting him through that work. Meeting him felt like a coincidence, yet also a necessity created by them.
𝐴𝑛𝑑𝑎𝑛𝑡𝑒 𝐸𝑠𝑝𝑟𝑒𝑠𝑠𝑖𝑣𝑜 | ℂ𝔸𝕃𝕃𝕀𝕆ℙ𝔼
Joo,
I trudged onto my bike, carrying a bag brimming with letters filled with someone's heartfelt feelings. The lingering scent of ginkgo nuts made me frown. After all, this island is practically called the end of the land, so most of the residents are elderly. Since the bridge connecting it to the mainland was built a few months ago, the number of tourists has decreased slightly. Cycling up the narrow, steep alleyways can leave me breathless, as if I'm about to faint. But the murals painted on each of these alleyways seem to breathe life into me, each brushstroke becoming a driving force in my life.
Recently, more and more people have been moving into our neighborhood. They've been building new villas, and a few young couples and a bunch of city-weary youths have filled the beautiful, modern villas. Perhaps because of this, letters from parents and acquaintances from the mainland have become more frequent, and I, the only postman in the neighborhood, have been busy. They call it "Land's End Village," but it seems they don't bother visiting, as they just keep sending letters. Since so many people have moved in, even the houses I used to frequent for mail have seen fewer letters. My bags feel a little lighter these days.
I don't know if love is such a pitiful, useless, and discarded thing, or if they've just lived their lives wrongly, but at least the hearts of those who fled from the city to this place are hardly normal. Especially those who fled to this remote corner of the earth, where people are few and far between. And yet, this place remained warm and dazzling, as if to prove that even a mere city wasn't enough to lull them to sleep.
"The letter has arrived!"
"Oh, thank you."
Thank you. "Thank you," one of the reasons I love my job, gives me the courage to pursue happiness. When I deliver a letter, those five words that arrive in return make my heart pound—thump—thump, and eventually, it even pound. At first, I thought it was the breathlessness from cycling up a steep hill, but it turns out I just loved those words. Those mysterious words that make you feel useful to someone.
My world is so perfect. In such a happy place, I can have gentle conversations with the elderly, hear daily expressions of gratitude, and enjoy my favorite scenery and sunsets while riding a bicycle with the sea breeze. Could there really be anyone happier than me in this world? The slightly humid air brushing my hair enveloped my nose. I was happy.
***
Yoon,
I ran away. Honestly, I don't know. Was I running away from her, or from the desolate, cold city? Either way, I signed a contract for a room in a village at the end of the earth. As soon as I realized I was doomed to live in this place for two or three years, I regretted my choice. Perhaps it would have been better to stay there than avoid it. They say if you're going to crash, press harder, but I'm still as busy as I was five years ago, proving my feelings solely through music. Even though this is how I live.
Still, being further away from you and the city, I found myself writing better songs. I may have brainwashed myself a bit, but it was only natural that so many troubling problems would disappear at once, and things would start to pop up. For this song, I thought I'd try writing lyrics, so I played a song I'd written a while ago. A faint laughter mixed in with the rough guide, a lovely melody that wouldn't come out no matter how much I locked myself in my room. A breeze blew through the slightly open window as I was caught up in an inexplicable emotion. The humid air touched my nose.
It was a song filled with curves, no straight lines, as if each note was filled with affection. Perhaps that was only natural. When I wrote this song, you were by my side, sharing love with you and dreaming of a beautiful future. Is this why people fall in love? I was definitely in love with someone, too, so why am I sitting here alone in this room? I found myself fiddling with the cap of a plastic bottle, thinking of you for no reason.
Even when I'd completely forgotten you existed, if you suddenly entered my mind, my heart would stop. My chest would ache like crazy, and my head would throbbed like it was filled with ice. My eyes would be so swollen from crying every night that I couldn't open them properly for many days. Truthfully, I'd pretended nothing had happened since I came here, but it wasn't until I remembered you again that I realized it.
Do you miss me? Do you, like me, spend every night in tears, feeling as if someone is forcibly erasing your mind whenever you see anything related to me? Perhaps you don't. The person who abandoned you may not remember, but the person who was abandoned is in agony enough to die. Is love such a pitiful, useless thing to be thrown away? Where does my innocence lead? Why on earth must I live in this world without you?
“The letter has arrived!”
“······.“
Should I really accept this letter, which arrived at such an opportune moment? My mind was filled with guilt and resentment, and I approached the door with heavy eyes. After a moment of hesitation, my hand reached for the doorknob and turned. And so I met her. She was so small and white, yet she carried a heavy bag, and her expression was so cheerful and happy.
“It’s a letter! It’s from Kim Yu-kyung.”
“······.”
“Could you please take that letter?”
"yes."
The letter, gently snatched from her slender fingers, was folded quite neatly. Truthfully, the moment I saw her appearance, I was reminded of you. Even though we had nothing in common, I just thought of you. And the moment I heard the sender's name from her lips, I couldn't think of anything. It wasn't that I couldn't think, but that I couldn't act. My mind was completely filled with you.
So, for the first time in my life, I did something that made me blush. Always rational, I burst into tears in front of a woman I'd never met before, just because of you. Perhaps that's why the postman, who seemed flustered, suddenly hugged me tightly. Normally, I would have pushed her away, but I stood there, trapped in her arms. Was it because she resembled you, or because I was so tired of life that I longed to be held by someone? In the end, it was all because of you. Now, I really want to get away from you. So much so that I want to send even this letter back.
***
Joo,
Today, I safely finished my work. As always, I was going to carefully bury the single letter left in my large bag and convey my precious feelings to someone. Perhaps because it was the last letter of the day, the sun was slowly setting. I pedaled gently, facing the sunlight that breathed life into each and every small railing. Ah, I'm happy. I couldn't help but love this life. How could this day be so warm and perfect? My mood was so exhilarating that I got off my bike and clutched my bag strap tightly.
The last letter, I felt as soon as I held it in my hand. It couldn't possibly be good. The paper wasn't pretty, and the handwriting on the envelope wasn't particularly round. It was so neatly handwritten, as if it contained only one message, that I instinctively knew the recipient would frown upon receiving it. Still, conveying that sentiment was also my job, so I climbed the short stairs with a sense of responsibility.
“The letter has arrived!”
I knocked briefly and concisely on the front door and gently touched the doorknob. After working as a postman for a long time, I can tell a person's personality just by the temperature of the doorknob. Most homes with warm, welcoming interiors had lukewarm doorknobs. But there were some, like this one, where the moment I touched it, I felt like I was standing on a snowy field. They were probably... people who had been hurt so much that they had fled here. True to my premonition, the man I saw upon opening the door also looked incredibly exhausted. That's why I couldn't help but speak more brightly.
“It’s a letter! It’s from Kim Yu-kyung.”
“······.”
“Could you please take that letter?”
"yes."
Well, he wasn't like anyone I'd ever seen before. He wasn't ecstatic about something, nor did he look like he'd given up on life. He simply had a calm expression. Everything about him, except his eyes. He opened the door with a nonchalant expression when he heard the letter had arrived, but upon hearing the sender's name, his eyes rippled like waves. He then carefully accepted the letter, and within seconds, tears welled up in his eyes.
I'd never seen anyone so deeply depressed. Yet, when I asked him to accept my letter, he responded calmly. I had no idea how to react to him crying in front of me.
Actually, I don't know why I hugged him. It was our first meeting, and he was a cold doorknob. Cold doorknobs are truly a thing. They were so lonely and weary, and if I continued to show affection like this, when they left, I might become the one who felt the cold. Even though his sorrowful face and his pale fingertips weren't pretty, I hugged him tightly. It was a bit tiring to hold someone so big, but I hated seeing him cry. And I couldn't figure out why.
Only when his tears had almost stopped did I put the folded handkerchief I'd kept in my pocket in case he'd cry, and quickly left the villa. I was afraid he'd be embarrassed, and a little nervous that he might report me as a sexual harasser. To be precise, it was my own embarrassment. I felt so embarrassed, hugging a man I'd never met so tightly. I pedaled slowly, arriving at the villa, and pedaled faster than anyone else, heading to the post office. And to add a little something about that...
“This is crazy, really...”
He had the looks that were very much my ideal type.
***
Yoon,
I awoke naturally to the sunlight streaming through my closed eyes. Like every morning, today, my eyes still showed no sign of opening properly. Ever since I cried in the postman's arms yesterday afternoon, I'd felt such self-deprecation that I was on the verge of going crazy. Just the thought of humiliating someone as young as my nephew had ruined yesterday and today, and I had no choice. Of course, that wasn't the only reason the days ahead were ruined.
I got out of bed and slowly walked to the table. I never expected the letter I received from you yesterday to be a divorce certificate. But that doesn't mean I expected you to send me something like a letter telling me to be nice to you. I just didn't expect you to send me something like this. We've known each other for over ten years, and you're being so unreasonable. I can say this calmly now, but yesterday, the moment I opened the letter and saw the divorce certificate, my whole body sank.
Did I marry you for this? My pent-up soliloquy and unceasing resentment proved everything I felt. I crouched under the table and cried for a long time. Yes, you abandoned me. You abandoned me so well. I still clung to you, yet you had no intention of being with me. I had been secretly in love with you even before we started dating, and now, even though we were meant to be together forever, the fact that I was still in love with you made me feel even more miserable. Last night, I fell into a deep sleep. And right now, the moment I woke up, the first thing I did was look at this document, and it was so miserable.
“This is fucking crazy···.”
The table, of all things, was made of glass, and my messy reflection was reflected on it. This table was your favorite piece of furniture when you were furnishing our new home. But in our new home, located in the heart of Seoul, no trace of it remained. After you left, I brought all traces of you and me down here. Perhaps that's why, when I look at this table, I still feel like you're right next to me. I imagine you embracing my waist, smiling sweetly, and sitting at the table, devouring every last bit of the fried rice I made.
A pure white handkerchief on the table caught my eye. Yes, now I had to escape my memories of you and face reality immediately. I worried about how I was going to deliver this handkerchief to the postman. It was pointless to even go see him, or should I? My mind was racing, and I pulled up a chair and plopped down.
I guess I'll have to go and tell her. Seriously, it was a slew of incomprehensible things. He'd cried in front of a woman he'd never met before, and now it was his first outing since moving. What on earth could he possibly be that had changed me so much? Even as I pondered these thoughts, I felt a renewed sense of wonder at how I was moving so busily. I'd lost a lot of weight since I'd moved here, and the shirt that normally fit me felt a little too big. As I turned the cold doorknob, a gust of wind blew into the room.
“Ah, I feel like I’m finally starting to live.”
Feeling the wind with my whole body, not just through the window, made me realize I was alive. I thought I should go for walks and enjoy the scenery from now on. I was grateful to the postman whose name I didn't even know. I walked slowly along the seaside path. How could I have lived without knowing such a beautiful world? The wind ruffling my hair felt strangely appealing. For the first time in a long while, I wanted to utter the word "happiness." I'm happy. I'll be happy, now.
***
Joo,
After delivering the letter to him and rushing home, I still couldn't come to my senses. Why on earth did I do that? Why did I suddenly hug that man? But why is he so my type? Why, why, why? Tens of thousands of questions filled my head, and I hung my head in pain. Was it because I grew up in this backwater town, never having met a man, and only hanging out with the tomboys I saw every day? Anyway, it really bothered me... He'd never met anyone with such a deep abyss. I bit my lip and rubbed my knees.
“I can hear you mumbling. If it bothers you that much, why don’t you come see me tomorrow too?”
“Miss, are you going to keep coming to my house like this without saying anything?”
"You won't listen even if I tell you. It's not like there's a good signal here, even if I call."
“Still, you should talk a little.”
“Is that guy handsome?”
“You really don’t listen to what I say.”
"Are you handsome?" My one of few friends, Yeonsu, shamelessly asked me. She treated me like a daughter since we were little. In other words, she acted like a mother. Knowing that even if I confronted her, she'd always win, I'd tell her everything. So, Yeonsu knew about that man. And that he was absolutely my type.
"I agree. I was worried you'd marry a bicycle, but I'm glad you're a man."
"Do you want to die? And you can never date that person."
"why?"
"I think you miss someone a lot. And what kind of relationship is a relationship with a guy you just met? If you keep asking questions like that, you should just go home."
If I have to do it, I'll do it. What kind of a lame excuse is that? Why should someone who always does what they want be acting like this? Just do it the way you always have. It's so hard to find your own taste. Yeon-soo nagged me for a long time like that, but none of the words actually reached my ears. I don't know what else, I just wished I could run into him tomorrow. There's no other reason... I'm just worried that he might cry tomorrow. That's really all there is to it.
The next day, I was on my way to work at the post office. I was still enjoying a leisurely day riding my bike along the coastal road when I saw someone standing in front of the post office. Two cars were parked in front of the post office, and a man stood there like a pole.
The owner of the shabby shirt, his hair fluttering in the strong yet gentle sea breeze. Even just seeing his back, I could easily recognize him. I knew the white handkerchief in his left hand belonged to me.
"hey!"
"Oh, you're here."
“It must be cold, so why don’t you wait inside… Would you like to come in?”
"No, it's fine. And I'm sorry about yesterday. I felt like I embarrassed you and caused you trouble."
“No! That can happen in life... Yes!”
“Here’s a handkerchief.”
“No, what are you doing, and you even did laundry in the meantime?”
His choice of words was different. A little more mature and reserved. By comparison, my tone was still childish. I couldn't help but admire him for washing and returning the handkerchief I'd lent him, acting like an adult. The handkerchief had an unusually pleasant scent of fabric softener. By the way, I hadn't noticed it yesterday, but seeing him today, I realized he usually had a rather indifferent expression. As if he'd lost his expression.
But his voice was so sweet, it filled my ears. It was enough to make the word "happiness" come alive again. I wanted to continue the conversation, but I had nothing to say. I couldn't bear to part ways like this, but the situation felt so strange that I was worried about holding on. So I asked this foolish question. Honestly, the very question itself was embarrassing.
"What was the content of the letter you received yesterday? Most of it was about doorknobs... Well, anyway, a lot of the content in those plain envelopes is ambiguous... No, I apologize for being rude."
“Divorce certificate.”
“Ah... divorce....”
"I've finally been officially abandoned by him. Perhaps it's better to say I abandoned him than abandoned him."
“Organic?”
"That's just how love is. A pitiful, abandoned being. It just abandoned love and me all at once."
"But don't push yourself too hard. Being abandoned might seem sad, but it can also be a wonderful opportunity. Wouldn't it be nice to break away from that person and live your own life?"
“Maybe so.”
He spoke, his expression blank, his gaze fixed on a certain part of my face. We talked for a while in front of the post office, our eyes giving the illusion of eye contact, though we weren't actually looking into each other's eyes. I think I was the one who started the conversation—about the town, the post office, and the neighbors. But he was so intently listening that I couldn't stop. I didn't want to. But as we continued, the post office door suddenly opened, and my immediate superior and only coworker shouted at me.
"Hey! It's well past 9 o'clock. It's way past work time."
"Oh, I see!"
"Then I guess I'll be going now. I wonder if I made you late."
“No, it wasn’t! I really enjoyed our conversation.”
He smiled faintly as I spoke urgently. I was momentarily captivated by the delicately curled corners of his lips and the beautiful, curved eyes. At the same time, I saw his tear-soaked face from yesterday. I hoped his future would be filled with nothing but smiles, but my feelings for him showed no sign of abating.
“Excuse me, would you like some lunch...!”
“······.”
“He’s gone···.”
The ending left me with a lingering sense of regret, and I couldn't move forward. Only when he seemed smaller than my little fingernail did I finally enter the post office. As soon as I entered, I lashed out at my coworker for ruining the good mood, then sat down and started working. For some reason, I couldn't stop thinking about him, even his backside looking lonely. After a while of dwelling on him, my coworker spoke to me.
"Who was that guy earlier?"
“If we talk about it, it’ll be long.”
“Are you dating? Your expression is no joke.”
"What kind of love is this? Ha Yeon-soo said the same thing yesterday and got kicked by me. If you're going to say something like that, be prepared to get kicked by me."
"Your eyes aren't the ordinary ones I usually see... Didn't you like that guy? Anyone could tell by the look in your eyes."
"I like that guy. What kind of nonsense is that?" I just met him yesterday, and maybe he doesn't even remember yesterday fondly. As soon as I finished thinking about it, his face flashed into my mind, forcing me to squeeze my eyes shut. Do I really like him? They say love is like lightning, and the moment I realized I liked him, my whole body tingled like I'd been struck by lightning. Add to that a blank expression.
I think I really like that guy. The word "Min Yoongi" written on the envelope I looked at yesterday swirled around in my head. Min Yoongi, Min Yoongi, Min Yoongi. My heart raced, confused at how easily a name like this rolled off the tongue.
My heart started pounding, then pounding, and finally, suddenly—. It was the first time I'd felt this way, even without riding a bike. Is it love? Is it love? Perhaps it was love. Just as my mind and heart were filled with the words Min Yoongi and his face, the post office door swung open. Through the crack, I saw him, breathing heavily, knees slightly bent, as if out of breath, speaking.
"hey."
"Yes, what's going on... huh?"
“Do you have time for lunch today?”
"Me? Me, no, of course I am, yes yes, of course I am fine."
“Well... let’s have a meal together.”
“Yes, good, good! Where would you like to see it?”
Mom, I think my daughter's first love was a success.
***
Yoon,
Right now, I'm standing in front of the post office, completely lost. What good is going in just to give her a handkerchief? I'm not even sure if she'll even be there. The fluttering hem of my shirt seemed to be pulling me towards the post office, as if the wind was pulling me there. Even if she wasn't, I should just give it to someone inside. At least it's polite. After giving her a handkerchief and making such a fool of myself, how could I possibly...? As I pondered this for a while, someone spoke from behind me.
"hey!"
"Oh, you're here."
“It must be cold, so why don’t you wait inside… Would you like to come in?”
"No, it's fine. And I'm sorry about yesterday. I felt like I embarrassed you and caused you trouble."
“No! That can happen in life... Yes!”
“Here’s a handkerchief.”
“No, what are you doing, and you even did laundry in the meantime?”
From the way she responded to every single word to the way her lips chattering ceaselessly, she reminded me of a sparrow. Short and with pouty lips, from the moment she thought of a sparrow, everything about her seemed sparrow-like. From then on, everything she said seemed adorable. Yu-kyung was so mature that she never lost her dignity in her speech or expression. Seeing someone like her suddenly chattering away like this, it was impossible not to find her endearing.
"What was the content of the letter you received yesterday? Most of it was about doorknobs... Well, anyway, a lot of the content in those plain envelopes is ambiguous... No, I apologize for being rude."
But the question wasn't all that cute. It was a remark that really pricked my wounds. He blurted out the words, perhaps realizing his mistake, and trailed off. Even as his heart ached, he wondered if he found you cute. Was that paternal love, or love? It had to be paternal love. She was obviously young, and I was like an uncle who was on the verge of divorce. Strangely, as soon as that thought crossed my mind, I felt no hesitation in loving this woman. Perhaps I was thinking, "It's just an uncle's love for his nephew." That's probably why I readily answered the question. Even as I answered, my nose stung slightly, as if I were acknowledging the presence of a divorce certificate.
“Divorce certificate.”
“Ah... divorce....”
"I've finally been officially abandoned by him. Perhaps it's better to say I abandoned him than abandoned him."
“Organic?”
"That's just how love is. A pitiful, abandoned being. It just abandoned love and me all at once."
"But don't push yourself too hard. Being abandoned might seem sad, but it can also be a wonderful opportunity. Wouldn't it be nice to break away from that person and live your own life?"
Her speech was different. It was too warm to be the usual way of speaking, yet it was also too ordinary to be considered unique, possessing a common sense of reason and emotion. I couldn't understand why the phrase "breaking away from that person and living my own life" was so appealing. It seemed even more comforting when she said it. So I couldn't help but stare blankly. The thought of someone I'd always considered cute and young, like my niece or uncle, actually being wiser than me, made me want to talk to her even more. Was this what they called charm? Seeing someone who'd just received a divorce certificate smile, I felt like I'd finally found some relief after just a few hours thanks to this one person.
“Maybe so.”
We talked a bit more after that. Since it was my first time going out since moving, I didn't know anything about the neighborhood, so I asked her some questions. She answered everything I didn't even know, even the ones I didn't know. I even learned which houses my neighbors lived in. After mumbling for a while, she started yelling at the man standing between the post office doors. She overheard the word "late," so I glanced at the watch on my left wrist. It was about 9:15. I was amazed that we had been talking so long without realizing the passage of time. As I said before, this was my first outing since moving, and the first time I'd spoken to anyone besides yesterday.
"Then I guess I'll be going now. I wonder if I made you late."
“No, it wasn’t! I really enjoyed our conversation.”
What should I do when I get home? Should I write a song, lyrics, or even draft divorce papers in the first place? Should I eat? Where's the nearest supermarket? My steps became sluggish due to the complicated yet regular routine of life. I couldn't figure out why I felt so down and lonely today, when I usually did things without a problem. Perhaps it was the first time in a while that I'd talked to someone and realized I was lonely. That must be why I thought. So, I thought, all the crazy behavior I was doing was because of her, and I was just running towards her.
I flung open the post office door, which had been tightly shut until just a moment ago and frightening to open. Taking a deep breath, I pleaded with the only person who could soothe my loneliness to please save me, to please free me from this solitude. In other words, I wanted to have lunch with her. I wanted her to continue talking to me.
"hey."
"Yes, what's going on... huh?"
“Do you have time for lunch today?”
"Me? Me, no, of course I am, yes yes, of course I am fine."
“Well... let’s have a meal together.”
“Yes, good, good! Where would you like to see it?”
You've probably forgotten me for a long time, so I guess it's time to prepare to forget you too? I know how to laugh without you now. I know how to breathe without you in my world now. So, I want to leave my past with you in a corner of my heart for a moment and live a new life, a life of my own, free from you.
“Would you like to come to my house?”
"yes?"
“That fried rice is really good.”
A whole new life with someone completely different from you.
+ The reason Min Yoongi talked about fried rice
