Drops of light

20_Reason #No, now

[Yerin's point of view]

If you don't know the reason why it became so miserable,

I thought it would be better then.

I was so sure of it and thought it had to be that way.

Days, months passed since then.

It wasn't a particularly long time.

At most 2-3 months?

In that time, I, what I so wished for,

I endured unreasonable hardship.

It should have been better than when I knew why,

That wasn't the case at all.

Rather, it was more frustrating.

I wish it had been a few months ago.

Even if you can't make it happen, you know the solution.

Even if you can't fight back, at least feel resentment,

Now I've lost the reason why I'm so messed up

Not only did I not know how to solve it, I was also unable to even freely complain.

Now there is only one person left to blame.

Accept all this without resistance,

Me, curled up in the corner, shivering.

I hated myself for not being able to do anything

I felt like a fool, not knowing who to blame

I hated myself even more for hating myself like that.

More than anyone who made me like this,

The world I had only been looking at while I was like this,

I hate all the other darknesses too,

Even in the midst of all this, the thing that he hates and dislikes the most is "me".

It was so miserable that tears welled up in my eyes.

I think I realized that people can slowly go crazy in this way too.

Now that I think about it,

"I'm going crazy"

It changed to "I think I'm crazy"

I was going crazy, I was already a little crazy,

I was just being sucked into an even deeper darkness.

At school, at home,

Whenever the topic of 'death' or 'pain' came up, I would secretly flinch.

It was boring, but there was nothing I could do.

Because my body reacts before I even think.

A dark night has begun.

Sitting at the desk and studying,

After that, I read books and just scribbled.

I'm wasting my precious time in vain.

정예린

ha - ..

A sigh that covers the writing that was scribbled down, little by little, by taking away the feelings inside.

I've been holding it in all day, so I'm going to let it out now.

Don't block the breath that escapes between your closed lips.

Then, the breaths came out in short intervals as if pouring out.

정예린

...

I carefully read the letters buried beneath the exhaled breaths,

Suddenly, I turn my gaze towards the window.

An apartment building that caught my eye and a couple of houses within it with lights on.

The dark purple sky peeking out from next to the apartment and the moon floating alone without a single star.

A streetlight emitting an orange light.

Everything seemed quiet and comfortable,

Only one thing, my heart couldn't do that.

As time gets later, the darkness gradually becomes more like me as the lights disappear one by one.

As I watched the process unfold, I quietly turned on the light outside the window, which had finally become dark.

The darkness grew to an unbearable size after the reason disappeared.

Bloody wounds slowly, now completely covering my body.

Even when I was thinking to myself, the words that came out seemed to have a bloody smell.

The pain that consumed me stopped all thoughts,

The only thought that came to mind was, "I want to die."

At this rate... there was no point in living.

There was no reason to struggle and struggle like this.

I felt ashamed of myself for looking for a reason even though I had lost the reason for my pain.

Without much hesitation, I took out the cutter knife I had kept under my pillow.

I didn't think much of it even after seeing the drops of blood on the blade.

It was me who glanced at him as if he was familiar with him and then rolled up his left sleeve.

Slowly, I drew a line connecting the red dots.

There was a little pain, but it was bearable.

Because if you endure the pain, you feel relieved at the thought of dying.

Although I couldn't draw it that deeply and clearly,

My wrist was getting more and more ugly with each passing day, with the lines overlapping.

I didn't want to look at it, but I forced myself to look and draw the line because I thought it might be easy to get caught.

Then suddenly, a question occurred to me.

정예린

Why do I want to die, but I can't actually die?

I wonder if I still have regrets about something I don't know about.

Was it because I felt wronged by all the struggles I had endured?

Was it a waste of time that I had endured?

I don't know about anything else, but if there's any lingering regret, it would be really absurd.

정예린

After getting hurt so much... where would there be any regrets?

I couldn't guess.

My friends got a little carried away, but not so close that they couldn't kill me.

then....

정예린

Is it Ari?

If it was Ari, it would have been like that.

The only person who came into my line, carefully and slowly, after my permission.

A truly human being.

The person who understood me, encouraged me, and helped me endure until now.

If it were Ari, it would be enough to hold onto my death.

Since we met online, our communication rate was lower than that of other kids.

But, nevertheless,

Ari became my "reason to live."

정예린

..ha -

In the breath of the lump that pops out again,

I moved my gaze back to the writing.

I was just getting tired.

Trapped in endless darkness

I just ran down a path that I wasn't sure was right.

A while ago,

There was something that said, "It'll get better if you rest a little"

Now that I'm more exhausted, I don't even know what I need.

Still, I couldn't die for some reason

I couldn't die, so I just kept running.

That was really all there was to it, but it was so hard

I didn't even have time to take a deep breath.

Sometimes I took short breaths and let them out

Sometimes I held my breath and kept running.

Even though I ran like that, there was no end

I began to doubt whether there was a final destination.

At least in my situation right now, there is no such thing as 'getting better'

Instead of 'getting better', the day was greeted with 'getting worse'.

That was all,

They barely bothered me enough to kill me.

That was it...

[20_Reason #No, Now] the end